As Spring Approaches, I Retreat

Another season is approaching. 

Last time I wrote in this blog, I shared that I was having some minor back surgery, and that I would be out for a little while. Much to my joy, the process of surgery, recuperation, and healing, was mostly done in about two weeks. The first few days were awful; after that, discomfort and exhaustion from a round of intense medication. But ten days later I was almost back to normal. I could type again just fine.

But the leave of absence brought something I had been lacking: inner quiet.

My mind never stops. Even when I sit still, the inner highways of thought are full of rush hour traffic. Quite a bit of it comes out into written word, whether through a letter, a blog post, Facebook, or jotted down for later. Words come out in conversation, yes, but I had been spending a lot of time plugged in to online conversations as well. More written word.

When that is taken away, my mind slows back down. Not fully... but maybe to a main street stop-and-go sort of flow instead of the seven lane highway. 

Introspection naturally takes over. There was more mulling, less releasing. 

Then, when I could write and express again, it came in the form of face to face interactions. And in the pages of my journals. And private letters and postcards. 

The silence is turning me shy, I think.

Even the most outspoken woman needs a time of retreat. 

I walk outside in the greening morning, my daughter dancing in spring ecstasy, and I am content to ponder my thoughts, while knowing that they do not need to be shared with the world. I can enjoy the moment. I can live right in the here and now. 

I can think and be at peace with not sharing it with others.

I can think and be at peace with not knowing what others think.

Yes, my spoken words stammer much more than what flows from my fingers or pen. 

But that too is part of learning how to live more slowly with intentionality, to allow myself the freedom to not say anything, or to speak the truth, knowing that my tongue will stumble but hoping that words spoken in love will ring right.

And that's what I wanted for myself this year, right? My One Word is Deeper. To learn how to live more deeply, to inhale calm and breathe out peace. Perfect lessons for this time of dancing the intricate steps of motherhood to a little one. 

Not that I myself am perfect. At all. 

But a little shyness never hurt.