Make a Record(ing)

This year marks the twentieth anniversary of my journey as a classical guitarist.

Twenty years! That seems like such a long time. More than two thirds of my life has been spent as a musician. As I've written before in my story about finding Jane and the Christmas Miracle, I gave up pursuing the path of becoming a performing, competing guitarist, but I've continued to develop my skills as a musician and music teacher. There have still been plenty of performance opportunities, thankfully, just not the touring and competition lifestyle that would have made it very difficult to be a wife and mother.

But recently I've found myself wistfully thinking that I would love to have the opportunity to share my favorite pieces of music with the world. My time will be more and more involved with homeschooling my wonderful daughter as she gets older, and we want to have more children in the future, so my time dedicated to music is going to increasingly decrease! Homeschooling is exactly what I want to do, so I'm very happy for that, but it would be so cool to make that secret dream of recording music to share with others come true.

To my delight, after a few months of pondering, asking opinions, and inquiring about options, I am excited to announce that I am hoping to record a solo CD in August this year!

This is a first for me. I've played hundreds of performances, performed on television multiple times, performed on the radio, and worked in recording studios, but have never made a solo album as a classical guitarist. I don't want to make a flashy impressive CD... I just want to record some old favorite pieces that I've played for years and several pieces that I've loved for a long time but only recently learned. Nothing fancy! I truly want to simply share what I love so much about the classical guitar: the beautiful music.

Right now I'm still in the planning stages. I need to solidify my set list, memorize all the music, arrange for graphic design, etc. My former university guitar teacher, the amazing John McClellan, will be my producer and has generously offered to guide me through the entire process of making an album, so that is a huge blessing! The biggest challenge will be raising the money to get the CD made! I will be using a Kickstarter campaign to fund the CD.

The second toughest part will be getting the time to practice and prepare all the music! I will need to have consistent practice time to make sure that I can play my pieces at their peak. That's why I want to record at the end of the summer, so I can have plenty of time to prepare :-)

Here we go on this next big adventure! Time to make a dream come true!

~ Prompt for March 5th: Make a record

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Participating in Write Alm's March prompts, daily words as guides for writing down what is in my head and heart. Entries might be long, might be short, might be posted here on the blog, or shared on my Instagram account. Do join me and others in sharing our thoughts with these prompts! I love seeing what you write. 

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The Jazz Singer

As I wrote in my previous blog post, I decided to use the month of February to post a tiny bit of a short story each day on Instagram accompanied with a picture related to music, since that's what the story was about. It is called "The Jazz Singer". Here is the story in its entirety, along with some of my favorite music-based pictures that I took in February! 

Also, before you read it, here are four facts about the story:

~ I wrote it completely in about one hour. This is one of the only times I've ever felt totally inspired. I had the grain of the story, then suddenly it flowed out.

~ Dan is based off a real life person whom I saw last year.

~ This situation is based partially off a personal experience in the past.

~ Katy is based off a real vocalist, whose music you can find on YouTube by searching for Katy B! Go check her out! She's not a jazz singer, but I do like her very much :-) All the lyrics in this story are based off one of the songs she sings in with the group Magnetic Man called "Perfect Stranger". 

DISCLAIMER: Lyrics in this story are not mine! There is a link at the end of the post that will take you to the song where they came from, which I highly recommend hearing! 

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Katy took a step back from the microphone and let her eyes follow the young man across the room. There he went, back into the kitchen carrying his server's tray. While the band played another smooth, jazzy interlude, she took the opportunity to sip her drink. None of the patrons sitting around the tables was paying close attention to their music, but judging by the pleasantly buzzing atmosphere, the mood of the finely dressed men and women was relaxed, just as it should be.

That young man. She had first seen him standing by the lobby door with a stack of menus, escorting a party to a table, and he had been clearly distracted by watching her sing. He was dressed in the same formal black that all the waters wore, same black apron, same shiny black shoes, but there was something different about him.

Was it that the waiter appeared so much younger than the rest of the staff? The elderly waiter with silver hair who had handed her the glass of water before the band had started was by far the oldest here, but everyone else seemed to be at least older than she herself was. Surely you would have to possess years of experience in order to be hired at such a fancy restaurant as this, Katy thought.

Hearing her cue, she leaned back into the microphone. "Night and day, you are the one, only you beneath the moon and under the sun..." Here he came again: she could pick out his alert walk, skinny way of slipping nimbly around chairs, from all the way across the dining room.

Now he was leaning over the bar to talk to the bartender for a moment; now he smiled, which made his naturally nice-looking face seem even more open and honest. He seemed familiar, now that she thought about it. Where could she have seen him before...

"Day and night, why is it so, that this longing for you follows wherever I go?" Katy found that the mellow song was making her think of other words. Maybe a new song? Her mind rapidly began to create lyrics, even while her mouth sang along with the band.

I don't know

Who you are

All I really know is

There's something in your heart

The music ended and the band started on the next song. Katy noticed that the young man had come over to a table next to the stage to help another waiter serve more plates. For a moment, he glanced up at her, and her heart skipped a beat.

Bright blue eyes. An eager expression, yet shy... did he want to talk to her as much as she wanted to talk to him? It had to be more than just his physical appearance. Could you be attracted to someone's soul?

I don't know

Who you are

All I really know is

There's something in your heart

That makes me feel

It's a new start

All I really know is

There's something in your heart

The rest of the show went as planned. Katy finished the final song, bowing with the band. She politely thanked those who came up to gush about their performance. It always surprised her how many people had actually been listening and finding enjoyment in the background music she and the band provided at these fancy establishments.

Even while she was chatting with the restaurant patrons her attention was focused on finding the mysterious waiter again. Suddenly, she felt the skin prickle on the back of her neck.

I didn't have to turn around

I can feel him in the back of my brain

When I stepped into the crowd

Something told me I would meet you today

Katy turned to face him. He stammered, "Hi... you sounded... um... great! I really enjoyed the music." His flustered manner made her almost nervous too. "Thanks," she said, trying to smile nicely. "My name's Katy. And you are?" "Oh... Dan. Daniel, but my friends call me Dan." He quickly brought his hand up to shake hers.

Your energy when you touch me

It lifted me off the ground

"So what college do you attend?" Dan asked. Katy flushed pink. "Well, I don't go to college. I graduated a few years ago. I'm actually older than I look." "Really? Me too! I'm twenty-five," Dan replied. Katy looked at him in surprise. "Me too!" There it was again... that sense of familiarity, the feeling that they had already been through this surface conversation.

They continued talking as the band members finished breaking down the sound equipment, then one by one grinned at Katy and patted her on the shoulder as they left, carrying drums, guitar cases, and bags. She nodded goodnight at them, ignoring their chuckles.

Your energy when you touched me

It lifted me off the ground

Your words to me are like music

It had been no more than ten minutes, although it seemed like much longer, before Dan reluctantly took a step away. "I've got to go finish my shift. Fortunately, it's pretty late, so I've only got one more table, and they're in the back having a grand time with three bottles of wine." "Oh," Katy said regretfully. She tried to think of something to say that would make it apparent that she didn't want to finish their conversation, yet she didn't want to make him feel guilty for finishing his job.

"Can I... get you anything?" Dan asked, a bit bashfully. Katy jumped at the chance. "I'm actually kind of hungry... is there any way I could get a little something to eat? I missed dinner. If it's not too much trouble, that is." Dan brightened. "Sure! Let me get you some food. Do you want it to go? I can get you a to-go container, if you want. You're probably tired and want to get home for some rest."

"Actually, I was thinking... maybe I'll wait here until you're done with your shift?" Dan's wordless look of appreciation as he quickly walked back to the kitchen confirmed Katy's hopes that he was just as interested as she was in continuing their acquaintance.

She exhaled a long breath. What are you thinking, she asked herself sternly. He probably thinks you're flirting. She'd been to enough gigs with slick-talking young men hanging around to be quite tired of the typical guy who just wanted to hit on her. What was it she was trying to do? What drew Dan to her? What drew her to Dan?

Katy smoothed her black dress down, glad that she had not worn something more edgy; she didn't want to give Dan the idea that she was flirting. Was she being too bold already? It wasn't merely outward appearance that had attracted her to him. It was almost like... as if they were meant to meet. Could people have met before without remembering each other? But if they'd met long ago, then certainly they would have known. There was something magnetic about him. 

She didn't want superficial conversation. She wanted to really talk. To listen. To know.

Are you from another world?

I've never seen someone who looks like you

Beautiful stranger, how do you do

Is there something I can do for you?

Dan came back with a small box. "I put a bunch of the appetizers we have in here. They're kind of like a sticky cornbread roll with nuts and glaze, really good. I hope you like them." Katy gratefully took the box and sniffed inside; the sweet smell made her mouth water. "They're lovely! Thank you. I'll eat these and wait in the lobby until you're done, okay?" “No problem. Happy to help.” Dan's shy smile mirrored her own.

It wasn't long before he joined her in the lobby. They were a bit unsure how to get the conversation started again, but very soon transitioned into deeper subjects. They began talking of school in their childhood, of religious upbringings, of her dreams as a musician, of his interest in philosophy, of their lives in the big city that were different than what they'd imagined for themselves in earlier years.

Katy found herself talking with complete ease, a sort of relaxed friendliness, that she'd never experienced with anyone so quickly before. Slowly they walked outside to where her car was parked.

They both paused. Katy looked at him curiously. "Have we... met before? Anywhere? Maybe you've seen me perform somewhere else? Or have you gone to other concerts where we might have seen each other?" Dan shook his head with a puzzled expression. "No, I don't think so. But you seem familiar. I know what you mean." They stood in silence for a moment.

"I've got a boyfriend," Katy suddenly blurted. "We're really happy together. I... I... but I'd like it if you could come hang out sometime. I'd like to see... I mean, I'd like to talk more. We have a cool bunch of friends, and we like to go swing dancing, and listen to local musicians, and even play different kinds of music as a group together..." her voice faded away.

She mentally kicked herself. Why did she have to tell him this in such a blunt way? She could see a twinge of disappointment cross his face. Of course he would only be interested in her because he thought she was single. So it did come down to him thinking that she was flirting after all. Of course.

She looked up at him in surprise as he ripped a piece of paper off his server's notepad. "Here. Text me sometime, or shoot me an email." She stared at the paper with scribbled contact information. He grinned shyly. "There's something different about you. It's hard to find people our age who don't just go out partying or clubbing. Plus, you know," he explained, grinning, “It would be great to hear you sing again. I'd like to hang out. With both you and your boyfriend."

He stepped closer and held out his hand. Katy automatically placed her hand in his. "It's good to meet you, Katy," Dan said seriously, but the smile in his blue eyes was genuine. He shook hands gently, then released her and began to walk away.

"I'll definitely send you a message," Katy called after him across the parking lot. "You'll be hearing from me!" Dan turned to wave under a streetlight. "I'll count on it," his voice came strongly to her. 

Oh there's something, there's something

I can see it there

Something in your heart

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If you'd like to hear the song based on Katy's story, listen here.

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In(tentional) 2015

One of my favorite pictures in my folk's home, that my mom made. She's such an inspiration to me as an artist; their home is gorgeous, and has artwork everywhere! I love thinking about choosing joy in the new year. It's also a reminder that I have choices in what I hope to see in 2015. I ask myself the important question: "What does {THE DEEPEST PLACE} of my soul desire, need, and wish for?"

Beautiful words from Rachel.

For the past four years, I've been using Susannah Conway's lovely free workbook called "Unravelling the Year Ahead" to think through the past year and set intentions for the next year. I love that she calls them "intentions", because the term "goals" feels too solid, and it would be disappointing if I didn't completely accomplish them! With an intention, I can adapt it, do just part of it, or make it suit my needs and still feel like I've succeeded. Yeah, goals and intentions are pretty much the same thing, but it's the thought behind each of them that makes my mind feel like they're different ;-)

Here are a few of the intentions I've set for 2015:

~ Edit my novel, "The Naming of Fio Re", and have a few folks read it and give feedback. 

~ Meditate on Scripture every day, at least one verse. Learn more about Scripture meditation, too.

~ Deliberately make time to be face to face with friends and build relationships.

~ Go outside every single day. Every day. No exceptions. Even if it's just for a five minute walk or to sit in my yard on the grass. 365 Days of Nature, commence! More on that below.

~ Plan a creative retreat again similar to the one my lovely friend Heather and I had this December. Maybe it could be an entire weekend instead of one day? Maybe we could invite more friends? Do more art together? Cook meals? There are so many possibilities! 

~ Finish memorizing Romans 8. I got super close to accomplishing this last year, but it just didn't happen. Now of course it's only vaguely in my memory. I want to have the entire chapter down!

~ Record a CD of my favorite guitar pieces that I've learned in the last twenty years. Sheesh... I am OLD. I have been playing guitar for a freakin' long time!!! I might as well sum it up with some kind of recording after all these years. That will require practicing. If there were only a few extra hours each day...

~ Read all the books in my house that I have not yet read. There are actually a decent number of books that fall under this category. I may or may not make an exception for the Dostoevsky novel that even Chris hasn't been able to finish... *sigh*. This past year I tried to read one book a week, and considering that I forgot to log any of the books I read in November or December on my book list page here on the blog, I'm fairly certain that I hit that goal! Yay!

~ Fresh flowers every week. My mood and attitude are so brightened when flowers are present in my home! I don't need to buy new flowers every week; they last about two weeks if I take care of them, and it would be just five dollars or so from my grocery budget every other week. How about yes :-)

~ Go back to Lambert's Restaurant, the home of the "throwed rolls"! I was there during my senior year of college: it was AWESOME. Gotta go again, even though it's a bit of a road trip!

~ Read aloud with Chris more. We're mired in the weirdness of the "Arabian Nights" right now. It seriously seems never-ending. We may end up just reading it separately so that we can finish it and move on to something a little more manageable!

~ Give another shot to writing down 1,000 gifts. I got really close, over the last two years (even though you're supposed to write down a thousand gratitudes in only one year, not two), but made it to about eight hundred and faded out. It's always worth another try! This time I'm tracking it on my smartphone. I hate putting important things in my phone, which is why I still have a paper notebook and calendar, but my phone is almost always on hand to quickly jot something down, so hopefully this method will help keep me more on track. I love that Ann Voskamp has the "Joy Dares" available for free download in each month so that you have a bit of direction when looking for blessings in your everyday life!

~ Send more postcards. I love letters, but with the busyness of life, sending a postcard is going to be more doable than sending a full-blown letter, I'm thinking. Plus, postcards are art-in-the-mail! Win!

~ Get a perfume I really like. I've had only two perfumes, both of which I liked, but haven't yet found a perfume that I truly LOVE. I'm not gonna push this one too much; perfume is expensive! If it happens miraculously, it happens. If not, hey, I can wait.

~ Explore HONOR as my One Word. "The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be." - Socrates

~ Watch the entire series of "Avatar: the Last Airbender". OH NO NOW EVERYONE KNOWS HOW MUCH OF A NERD I AM. One of my best friends just introduced it to me last week (read: basically held me down and forced me to watch the opening episode because they knew I'd like it even though I was all "noooo I don't want to watch anything new") and I was instantly hooked. It's just the right kind of show for a girl who has watched almost all of the Naruto Shippuden... um, I mean, *cough cough* I totally have never watched anime before. 

I can't wait to see what growth and change this year will bring for Harmony. She is so verbal for a two and a half year old. The other day she and I ran errands all morning, so I made sure that our last stop was at a coffee shop where we could share a fruit smoothie. We sat at a table together, sipping the smoothie, people-watching and talking about the decor of the shop and noticing what folks were eating and discussing the day. That was the first time I realized, "hey, my daughter and I can have conversations now! There's finally someone in our family who talks just as much as me!" and I had a good laugh. My daughter is awesome.

Yes, I truly do want to go outside every day. So far, for the first four days of this new year, I've succeeded in getting outdoors for a few minutes, despite a sick toddler, a messy house, a busy schedule, and frigid weather (with snow today). Each time I made myself get my act together enough to go out, I was always grateful that I had! Being in nature, even on our little dead-end street or sitting in our yard, is grounding, refreshing, clarifying, relaxing, calming, energizing, and so many more things for my physical and mental health. I come back inside renewed and ready to face anything. There must be magic in a breath of fresh air ;-) I'm recording this journey on Instagram with a picture every day under the tag #365daysofnature.

I can tell that even though there will be more days where it will be difficult to get myself out the door, it will be for the best. Many thanks to my sweet husband and sister who have either sat with Harmony or just kept an ear out for her while she slept so that I could escape for a little while! I am SO very blessed to have my supportive family around me. 

Love these daily prompts from Write Alm!

I definitely want to continue to write often, here on the blog, in my personal journal, in postcards and the occasional letter to friends and family, and on Instagram. I've very much enjoyed the little snippets of life I can share on Instagram to accompany a picture, and even more have loved seeing others' lives through their own lens on IG too!

Facebook was de-activated yesterday, as planned. It feels weird not to check it, but I am already appreciating the social media silence that it is allowing. Yes, I'm still part of social media here and on Instagram, but it feels more manageable, if that makes any sense. 

The picture above was taken after I was awake for almost forty-eight hours straight. On new year's eve, half an hour before midnight, Harmony suddenly and violently came down with the stomach flu while we were at my folk's home. She had been sleeping in their guest bedroom as we got ready to celebrate the new year's arrival. Instead of ringing in 2015, we spent the rest of the night caring for her, with barely any sleep. When we finally got her home the next day, I fuzzily remembered that one of my intentions was to get outside every day, so Chris sat with her for a few minutes while I laid in the grass of our front yard, which was all I had the energy to do. It was a good reminder that "the best laid plans of mice and men..."

If all my intentions are not realized in 2015, IT WILL BE FINE. I will be okay. Nobody/nothing will explode, my dreams won't be shattered. Sometimes we have hard times; sometimes our lives are rocked to the core by terrible news. With that in mind, I'm trying to hold my plans loosely, knowing that only God sees the future. I hope that no matter what the coming days hold I will be able to trust in His plans for me even if it means that mine go out the window. My favorite Bible verse from year to year continues to be from Micah 6:8: "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" That is what I truly want to be the desire of the deepest place in my heart!

So here we go, 2015! What do YOU wish that 2015 might hold for you? Let me know in the comments! Did you choose a Word? Do you have goals, or intentions?

{Writing prompt THE DEEPEST PLACE from Write Alm's January prompts}

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A Christmas Miracle: Finding Jane

I wrote this true tale from my life almost exactly a year ago, but I loved it so much that I wanted to share it again as a testimony of how incredibly connected our lives are, all of us humans all over the world.

This is the story of a girl who loved music. Who felt in her bones that she was meant to be a guitarist, a classical guitarist, since she was four years old. Who waited both patiently and impatiently until she was eight to begin guitar lessons. Who was determined to pursue music in college, go on to grad school, and hopefully dive into the world of competitions, and maybe tour some day.

She gave up that dream.

Halfway through college, a book came into her life: Hidden Art, by Edith Schaeffer. One of her mentors (now a beloved best friend) suggested that she read it, because it spoke about the beauty of expression and art that can be found in ordinary life. One story stood out. In the chapter about music, Schaeffer wrote of a woman named Jane.

"I have told in "L'Abri" how Jane came to a place of certainty, after much prayer and struggle, that God was calling her out of opera, where she was having a tremendously successful career, into the work of the L'Abri fellowship. She was willing simply to cook, garden, scrub floors, talk to people, and teach the Bible. There is a place for the conscious sacrifice of the expression of a talent, asking God to show His will for the use of our lives in any way He plans- rather than insisting that it must be fulfilled in particular ways. It is a turning from or giving up- with complete trust that God really is love, and all wise, and would not waste the life of any one of His children... among those who have met in L'Abri [are] people who have chosen to put aside ambitions, and are simply enjoying musical expression without the desire for 'success'."

If you look at the picture below, you will see question marks inked across this page. When the girl read it, her world exploded. How could someone give up their musical dreams?! To mop floors? To SACRIFICE years of study, hours of practice every day for months and months, the fine tuning of a talent? WHY would you do that???

She and her friend discussed the possibilities at length several times. There was obviously a deeper turmoil going on in this girl's heart and mind. Recently the girl had begun teaching, a job she enjoyed very much, but one that she intended to use just as financial support through college until leaving for grad school. Maybe someday she'd pick teaching back up again, but the world of music performance called!

At least, she thought it did. Now she wasn't so sure.

Reading about Jane in "Hidden Art" planted a tiny seed of change. Now, instead of plunging ahead with her own plans, the girl began asking God to show her what His plan for her was.

Long story short: by the time she reached her senior year, she knew without a doubt that she was not meant to be a performer, but a teacher for children instead, a teacher in the same classical music program she had studied in when she was eight. It took months of prayer, listening for the Spirit, seeing her path change, watching opportunities come and go, realizing that she didn't really have the mindset it would take to make it in the competitive realm of music, and most importantly, discovering where her joy really lay.

Fast forward almost five years.

The girl was at a Christmas party, happily chatting with an elderly man, the grandfather of one of her new students. During the conversation the man mentioned that he used to live at L'Abri. And then went on to describe how wonderful the music was at L'Abri, especially when a woman named Jane was around. "Not the same Jane from the book by Edith Schaeffer?" the girl gasped. Yes, the very same.

The Jane whose operatic debut was on stage in Vienna. The Jane who was set to become a Wagnerian soprano. The Jane who spent some time at L'Abri to search for answers and felt the Spirit gently whispering to her that there might be another Path for her life, who finally found that she felt most satisfied by serving others, singing with handicapped children, and teaching at L'Abri. And more than just being satisfied: she felt that she was doing exactly what she was meant to do, created to do. She found joy. She found peace.

The girl blurted out her own story, how Jane had been a key to a new way of listening to God instead of forcing her own way. The elderly man nodded and smiled, then he reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. "It's late, but I know her. She'll still be up." He dialed a number, listened to the ring, and spoke to the hello on the other end: "Good evening, Jane, my old friend. There's a young woman here, a classical guitarist and teacher for children, who would like to talk to you."

Tears filling her eyes, the girl took the phone. In the midst of the Christmas festivities going on around her, she was oblivious to all except the quiet, gentle voice of the eighty year old woman halfway across the country. Jane asked for her story. The girl managed to tell her of a Path changed, of tough decisions, of the pages in a book that inspired her to think differently, of a new life as a wife and mother that would have been hard if not impossible as a performing musician, of her love of teaching, of the incredible grace given in spite of so many mistakes.

"God will never waste the life of one who lays it down for him," Jane said, her ancient voice still deeply rich. "My dear, I am so glad that our journeys have crossed here! What a blessing to know that God always works in mysterious ways. We may not understand at the time what he has in store, but he always has a plan for our future good."

Passing the phone back, the girl cried tears of wonder. Now, whenever the question of "what if" arises, this miracle of a woman named Jane speaking across the page and over the phone, a living testimony to the incredible Providence of the Living God, echoes through her heart.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose..."

Questions are Marked in the Pages of Our Lives

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Sometimes I Dream

 
A huge mansion, as so many of my dreams begin. Overcast skies. A group of younger folk. We begin a tour as a guitar ensemble. The guitars are light as we carry our cases down long corridors out to a red bus. Are we in London? I recognize my friend Tyler. There is a blond-haired girl that often appears when I have a dream about music.

It is raining. We enter concert halls several times. I do not remember our performances, but we are clearly doing well. Cheerful chatter. Back into the mansion. Or maybe it's another mansion. Friendly welcome to our rooms by firelight and candle light A goodbye hug that fades away as I wake.

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With my family in a house with many windows, right on the edge of a beach. Bad people are looking for us. The house keeps us safe. We can see a huge, futuristic city in the distance. Last week I traveled to that city in a sky-taxi, a small metal oblong-shaped car that flew through the air along with many others, kind of like a ski lift. I wonder if the city is still as crowded now as it was then.

My sister and I try to play in the ocean, but the water, controlled somehow by our enemies, attempts to sweep us down the steep beach. I am stronger than the water; I pull us both away to safety. We return to the house.

Why is there a talking duck in the house? Quite puzzling. We make plans to escape, hoping that the enemy will not notice. The duck nonchalantly wanders through the rooms. I think it is a friend. I am excited to leave the house, but I don't get a chance to see what happens next.

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I am observing a story. These dreams are always super interesting. I settle in for a good time.

The companion Clara from "Doctor Who" is a freshman at a private school. A future incarnation of the Doctor discovers that an unknown enemy is going to try to kill Clara there, because then *spoilers!* she won't be able to help save the Doctor in her grown-up future. The Doctor takes a job at the school as a science professor to find out who the enemy is and protect Clara. {I promise I dreamed this before the most recent episode of this season came out, which is weird.}

But she had already discovered two aliens, a huge giant posing as an over-sized teenage boy, and a young girl who was in "egg" form (looked like a human, was mute, and a little weird). Clara was trying to protect them from an unknown enemy by hiding them at the school. Clara received memories and directions from the boy that would help her when she grew up. The little girl, when she "hatched", turned into a being of Light, showering Clara with a protective energy that would keep her safe from any alien technology until the time when she would meet the Doctor in the future.

Clara also deals with a group of older school girls who were trying to haze her, making friends with a young freshman boy who helped her, and in return helping him deal with other bullies. Awesome.

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Searching through a mansion for a clue to $30,000 worth of treasure that was supposedly hidden somewhere. A small boy, possibly a neighbor I used to know named Thane, is with me, helping look in tiny tunnels and crawling into places adults couldn't reach. In a costume room we find a vent under a rack covered by old clothes, just small enough to keep people from seeing it, but we get in. It leads to a kitchen, lit up as we enter with eerie fluorescent lights, but obviously deserted long ago.

The main clue to the treasure will be found here, we realized. So we invite more of our friends to help us search the room. I am drawn to a metal drawer, open it, and find a piece of paper with writing. What does it say? Arg arg arg I always wake up before I can find out the interesting parts...

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In my old friend Lindsay's house, at twilight. Why do so many of my dreams happen at twilight? Is it because it's my favorite time of day? Fading sunlight streams in the windows. The floor is cool under my feet. Lindsay makes a brief appearance, walking down a hallway, then is gone.

I ask my mom if I can go hang out with my friend Shaye. She agrees. I seem to be young and old at the same time. In the mirror, I look like I am a young teen, but I know that I must be at least mid-twenties because my mom says that she will babysit my daughter for me. Shaye comes to the house and offers to drive my car so we can go somewhere.

Our trip is crazy, all over the road. We almost crash several times, and other cars swerve out of the way. I can tell by her driving that she is upset about something. We stop at a mist-covered park, get out, and sit in a tree. "What's wrong?" I ask. She hesitates, then tells me, "All I want to do is help people! I want to be a nurse." We talk for a long time, but I don't remember anything else. 

Our drive back to the house is much more calm. I enjoy the night breeze in my hair, as the roof to the car has disappeared. I am happy that Shaye is feeling better. My mom asks what took us so long. I don't know what to say. Instead, I feed the cats. 

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Another one of the houses popular in my dreams: it has walls, doors, and windows, but no roof, and rambles everywhere in a huge sort of way, almost like a maze. Nature grows in it and out of it. I am content here.

I wander into a room where I am told that there is a meeting to attend. After a long walk through tree-filled corridors, I find what appears to be a huge shower room. Why are we having a meeting in the shower? Someone tells me that everyone has their best ideas in the shower, so where better to have a brain-storming session? Oh. I guess that makes sense. Are we supposed to take off our clothes? I never get an answer to that, so I leave mine on. 

The water is warm. It is almost like a sauna. Water drips from steaming green leaves and from showerheads in the walls. People sit in pairs talking quietly together. I talk with someone I don't recognize. Our conversation feels intelligent, but I don't remember what we said. 

Suddenly I realize that I am alone in a regular shower. Pushing the black and white checked curtain aside, I wonder where everyone went. A person enters the bathroom and hands me a red towel {there's the color red again}, saying that "it" is coming, and I need to figure out what to do. Then they disappear. 

Uh-oh. I don't like dreams where "it" appears. Usually that means I'm going to be chased by something scary. I cautiously peek out of the bathroom to discover that I'm back in one of the mansions now. No way! I don't want to be here. 

I open a wall, willing forcefully to be back in my nature-maze-house, and it obligingly appears in front of me. Thankfully I walk through into a grass-covered room. The air smells more fresh and lovely already.

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These are my dreams from the past week. I usually remember my dreams almost every night, and they are almost always quite vivid. Ever since I was nine or ten years old, I have been practicing dream control, recall, and lucid dreaming. I often write down my dreams, too. It is a fascinating realm that will never get old!

Weaving words along with everyone else with Write Alm's September prompts even though this entry is a little late.

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Vulnerable, Take Two, with a Side of Ambition

Self-portraits are strange.
It's best just to point and shoot
without any fussing,
get it over quickly.
It's not often that I see myself.
If I look clearly,
will I like
where I am going
or who I am?
Thankfully this moment is 
not the end
of the road yet,
so there is still time
to take another turn,
to keep on becoming
who I hope to be.

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From the time I was a toddler (yes really, I was four) my goal in life was to be the best female classical guitarist that I could. That was tempered as I aged; I would settle for being ONE of the best. Then in college I discovered that the best use of my time and energy was to teach classical guitar to children. Within the past few years, this has narrowed to just be "teach children", including any and all subjects such as music, the Bible, how to write, how to read, how to love literature, dancing, music theory, and most of all, how to love. 

This doesn't mean I've got it all down pat for myself. Far from it.

But these areas are so important to me that I can't help but want to share them with others. 

And in the process of teaching them to children, I am teaching myself the same basic principles over and over and over. It is a continuous process of taming my heart, which is much more complex than training my fingers.

Now my greatest ambition is to simply love others, in whatever ways I can.

Weaving words along with everyone else inspired by Write Alm's July Prompt-a-Day.

Here is the link to the previous "Vulnerable" post, almost exactly one year ago.

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Looking Ahead to 2014 and My One Word

Daily prompt #30: looking ahead

If I've discovered anything about myself this year, it's that I am way more organized and able to follow through with goals if I write them down, figure out the steps needed to accomplish them, involve others, and set specific times to do specific steps.

A lot of ideas came into fruition in 2013 because of this: a fundraising concert on my birthday for Compassion International, a novel written during National Novel Writing Month, letters sent all around the United States to friends, family and strangers, more mandolin playing, poetry published for the first time, daily writing habits established, health back on track, apartment organized and re-organized, and half of my 1,000 gifts list completed.

This isn't an I'm-so-good victory list: it's a sigh of relief and happiness that I had the support of loved ones and the energy to make my dreams come true! I couldn't have done all these things on my own.

For 2014, here are a few hopeful goals. If they don't all get accomplished, THAT'S OKAY. The world won't end. But it would be great to see these to completion!

~ Finish my novel (it's about 3/4 completed, and I did write 50,000 words, but it needs to have an ending, and I have promised a few people that they could read it)

~ Record a CD (with my family, on all our instruments... this is the crazy, insane, I-must-be-dreaming goal!)

~ Learn how to can food (my mom used to do this with us, so I'd like to make some tomato sauce, applesauce, etc.)

~ Finish memorizing all of Romans 8 (I'm about halfway there)

~ Go to the Botanical Gardens once a week (we were gifted a family pass, so it's free anytime now, woohoo!)

~ Publish more poetry or writing (in a magazine? in a book? who knows)

~ Write letters to the Compassion International child I help sponsor, every other week (I've fallen off the bandwagon badly with this, so it's definitely a priority)

~ Finish out my 1,000 gifts list by my birthday (it's taken me almost a year and a half to write down 500, but I'm intent on finishing this, and then starting a new list on my birthday, Lord willing)

~ Keep a list of all the books I read during the year (hoping this will help me keep track of progress, avoid reading too many of the same genre of book, and keep me motivated to read more)

~ More dates with Chris (once a week, hopefully? at the Botanical Gardens, preferably, since that's one of our favorite places to go)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grace was my word for 2013.

It was hard.

I learned how to show Grace to others, myself, and my family. I learned that if we do not give Grace to others, we cannot accept it for ourselves. I learned that if I do not believe in Grace for myself, then I cannot give it to others. It goes both ways.

It was good.

I feel less guilty, more free. I feel more aware of my twisted nature, yet more grateful for Grace that covers all my sins.

Grace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My word for 2014 is Deeper.

I've dipped my toes into a lot of ideas. A lot of projects, a lot of relationships, a lot of space. Now I feel ready to dig in a little. Or a lot. To refine my thoughts into more focus. To deliberately spend more time on specifics instead of generals.

This might look like more time away from this blog. Not sure yet.... it might look like more time writing through my pondering, here or less publicly.

I want to get to know and be comfortable with myself. Lately I've realized that I can categorize a lot of what I say into "Ego". I don't want that. I want to be genuinely Me, without feeling like I have to impress anyone, or stand up for myself against anyone, or pretend like I'm better than anyone. It's silly. And lame. I just want to learn Who I Am and then be able to sit back and Be, not Prove. There can be humility and happiness in Being; there is very little of either in Proving.

I'm also going to spend more energy on certain relationships, certain projects.

Especially God.

The older I get, the more I realize that I don't know exactly what I believe about God.

There are a few things that I do believe for sure. Those things would categorize me under the heading of "Christian".

But I don't truly belong to any denomination, even the denomination of the church I call home.

Maybe someday I'll be more brave to write about some of my wonderings. I have several friends who inspire, encourage, and embolden me to question what I believe while continuing to rest in God's unfailing love. As one of them wrote today, "when you feel safe, feel really safe, then you are not afraid to ask tough questions. [We] have found safety in Father's love. That is a great place to be. Because it is Him not our answers that make us safe."

So I'm going to ask my Father and trust my Father and learn more about Grace from my Father.

I want a Deeper connection with Him.

I want a Deeper connection with my husband.

With my daughter.

With my family.

With my music.

With my friends.

With nature.

With myself.

So here's to a new year, everyone. May 2014 bring renewal, lessons learned, and loving hearts!

Finishing up the daily prompts from December Write Alm! Thank you again, Amanda! Now I'm jumping into exploring my One Word. There will be more posts as I discover what Deeper has in store for me this year. I'd love to know what your One Word is!

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Reminded by a Fortune Cookie, and the Story of the Silver Knot

Yesterday I was sitting with my gratitude journal when it hit me once more: I am SO VERY BLESSED. The childhood dreams of becoming a classical guitarist, a mother, a teacher, a college graduate, a published writer, are all coming true. None of them have been anything more than tiny personal victories in the greater scene of the universe (I'm not on national television, thank goodness), but nevertheless, these goals are blossoming before my eyes.

It has become a mantra for me: I am blessed, I am blessed. Thank you, God, thank you, God.

There have been rough spots along the way. Times when I've set my guitar down and cut my precious right hand nails off and thought about giving up music. Times when I've come home from college classes or my teaching studio crying, thinking that I couldn't make it work, that I wasn't smart enough or determined enough or brave enough. Times of depression, anger, sorting through who I am. But through all the storms, this winding, curvy, up-and-down path has continued to lead me onwards.

A reminder of where I need to go.

Along the way, my dreams have expanded, explored rabbit trails. An interest in alternative schooling, which comes from my own journey as a home-schooler, has led to researching various methods of education for children. My love of music grew into playing mandolin and singing. Becoming a teacher has turned into the dream to become a Master Teacher in the music program I teach. And who knows where else those dreams will go? Always in the back of my mind are whispers of opening up my own school for children, publishing a book, traveling to distant lands... perhaps. Someday, maybe, when the time is right, when I have more experience and wisdom (and money), then those goals will become more than just whispers.

Yet there are quiet questions: "what would happen if you lost your abilities? Became maimed in an accident? Or paralyzed? Would you lose all sense of purpose if you couldn't play guitar, or teach, or write?" My prayer is that no matter what circumstance I am placed in that God would continue to guide me in ways that I can still see the beauty he has created, even in the smallest way, even in the depths of illness or pain or change, even without the use of my hands, even from a hospital bed, even if what I consider to be my strengths are unable to be used. No matter what, I hope that God will use me in whatever way he sees fit, and then call me home.

May I be able to say along with Paul that "I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Years ago I was asked to play guitar for an artists' gathering, a night of festival/sale/open house for local jewelry makers, crafters, sewers, dancers, visual artists, and more. The expected fee was negotiable, and I was happy to accept whatever payment would be offered, since I supported what everyone was doing. It's not often that I am able to donate my time (musicians need to make a living too!), but this was a cause after my own heart.

After playing music for about an hour and a half, the crowds had thinned and the artists were beginning to close down for the night, so I figured it would be a good time to stop. The woman in charge of paying me was a Celtic jeweler. To my surprise, she offered to barter one of her jewelry sets of a silver necklace and earrings in exchange for the time I played. Everything she made was gorgeous, so I was happy to accept! We talked more about the bartering system, living as an artist, working in the arts for a living, and always trying to improve your skills. I'll never forget what she taught me:

"There is no one right way to do your art. We artists need to work together to encourage and support what we do, because only together are we able to grow. We learn new ways to do things, and help show others that way. We are artists because we want to share the beauty that we see in our craft with others."

Whenever I wear the necklace, I am reminded of finding beauty in the arts, following where God leads, serving others with my abilities, and the love of working with my hands, whether it be with music, teaching, cooking, crafting, knitting, drawing, or writing. I am so grateful that the "dreams of my youth" are still alive and I am eager to see what God has in store for the future!

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You: Three Possibilities

In a dream last night, I was told by a voice that everyone is at one of three different stages of themselves. There is the "Goo-You", the "Almost-You", and the "Me-You".

Yes, I'm weird and have weird dreams.

So...

People in the "Goo-You" stage are still figuring out what they enjoy, what they dislike, who they want to be, where they want to go. Their character is fluid, easily influenced. Children are often here. Even adults may still be here, currently in a position in life they don't want to be in or struggling to figure out who they truly are.

People in the "Almost-You" stage are close to who they want to be, but are still dealing with major roadblocks to their personhood. Something might stand in the way of them blossoming. They might need more space, more energy, more determination, a different job, a change in scene, a change in the way they look at themselves, a deeper delving into a spiritual or emotional issue, for the final transformation to occur.

People in the "Me-You" stage are comfortable with themselves. They still have room to grow, and are by no means perfect, but they are content and at peace with who they are. They know where and how they can change, and growth does not worry them.  They are even willing to step out of their comfort zone into newness, because they are so confident that they know positive change will be good for them.

The voice in my dream presented these three ways of Being to me. Then the voice said, "WHICH ARE YOU?"

Which am I?

Something to ponder this morning.

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The Stone Queen and the People with Two Hearts

Oh man. I have such crazy dreams.

Last night I dreamed that I and several other people I knew were transported into another universe. The inhabited world there was flat (kind of like Narnia) and had kingdoms centered around materials such as ice, stone, desert, forest, etc. (like the world from Naruto) and were each ruled by a queen. The kingdom I was dropped into was the realm of stone.

People there had two hearts. One heart controlled bodily functions by circulating their blue blood. The other heart controlled the flow of an almost invisible substance called "mether", which was the magic/soul/emotion of the person. Over the mether heart was a small patch of short tentacles that was almost always kept covered with a shield, to protect their life-source and allow them control over how they were affected by others magics. It would be uncovered to work magic, allow them to connect in a deeply emotional way to another person, or to connect with the magic around them. They could regenerate the physical heart, but not the mether heart.

Other than the heart differences, the people looked identical to humans. They followed their kingdom's queen like ants, almost blindly, because her magic linked to theirs and compelled them to do her bidding even if they disagreed with her.

The Stone Queen

The stone queen was hard-hearted and power-hungry. She was in the process of conquering the sand kingdom when I arrived. Her subjects were sorrowful that so many of them were dying in battles, but they had no choice.

I remember little scenes from the dream. The dream stretched out a long time, with an over-arching storyline. Here are a few bits:

~ I almost got close enough to assassinate the stone queen. She vanished at the last second. I was afraid that she knew about my plan, but it didn't seem like it. She wasn't used to "hearing" the thoughts of a one-hearted person, so I had an advantage over her subjects that way.

~ I was about to kidnap the stone queen's daughter, the princess, who was about ten years old, in order to use a hostage as leverage to stop the war. But the princess whispered to me that she was on my side, and already was part of a plan to "eliminate" her mother, possibly in battle, and then she as princess would become the next queen and begin to right the wrongs her family had committed. So I stopped. That girl was pretty awesome.

~ The stone queen sent out a group of spies to scope out the edges of the forest kingdom. I went with them, but was afraid that I would get found out if I was injured, because my blood was red instead of blue. The forest was CRAZY cool. I can't even begin to describe the complex beauty of the trees.

~ I met a male who had figured out a new magic that allowed him to have free will from the queen's controlling magic. He was trying to perfect the magic so that he could offer freedom to other people, who could join him in a rebellion against the queen. I introduced him to the princess. He swore fealty to her and vowed to help her win the throne so that she could bring peace.

~ The stone queen was getting so powerful that she caused an entire mountain to crumble and fall on one of the desert kingdom's main cities, completely destroying it and all the people there. I witnessed this while traveling on the spy mission. It was awful.

At the end of the dream, the stone queen had decided that she wanted to begin conquering the kingdom of ice, since that was in the middle of the world and would be a stepping stone to other kingdoms on the other side of the world. But the ocean was a dangerous place with its own alien inhabitants (another kingdom? I didn't get to see that part), so going in ships across the water wasn't an option. The stone queen decided to build a bridge to reach the ice kingdom.

With more magic than she'd ever used before, she summoned all the whales from the entire ocean. They flocked to the bright blue stream of magic the stone queen was beaming across the waters. All the whales were pulled into a line, head to tail, just above the surface of the water, making anguished sounds. The magic intensified, then pulled the whales rigid, and froze them into place like stone. The queen now had a bridge of stone whales stretching from her land across the sea to the ice kingdom. At this point, her magic was so powerful, it didn't seem like anything could stop her.

The last image I saw was the stone queen's young daughter watching her finish the magic. The princess had a determined look, but tears were trickling down her face as she watched the whales killed and turned into a stone bridge.

That was my dream. There are so many unanswered questions that I wanted to find out from the story, though! I can't believe that I woke up at this point. Arg. I haven't been reading any science fiction or fantasy lately, either. So I don't know where all this stuff came from. But it was pretty cool to experience ; )

P.S. If you haven't yet voted in my poll about creating an Etsy shop on the sidebar, please check it out! 

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