Harmony Emelia's Home Birth

What an incredible journey this birth was! My husband Chris and I had been planning a home-birth with a local midwife, Dana, ever since we found out I was pregnant. If you're interested in reading my thoughts in favor of home-birth, go here. 

At my last prenatal appointment, Dana had checked me for the first time and found that I was already four centimeters dilated and eighty percent effaced, which was very encouraging! Dana predicted that the birth wouldn't be too far off, and that labor wasn't going to take very long. My estimated due date was June 17th (Father's Day), but since I hadn't had any ultrasounds, I wasn't really counting on that day. We also didn't know the gender of the baby, so there was a lot of suspense as the days crept along in June! During Father's Day weekend I had a few bouts of contractions, but when Monday came everything stopped; no labor symptoms at all. 

Tuesday morning I woke up hungry as usual at seven. Suddenly, as eight o'clock hit, I began having contractions. They were immediately five to six minutes apart and too uncomfortable for me to continue sitting down on the couch. They didn't hurt, though; it felt like a lot of pressure, which I was able to breathe and walk through. This made me think that maybe I wasn't actually going into labor after all, but I thought I should call Dana just in case. She said it sounded like the real thing and I should time the contractions for a while. I walked around the apartment for an hour as the contractions became three or four minutes apart. At that point, Chris and I knew our baby was arriving soon!

The next hour was a flurry of activity. I called my mom in Kansas City, who I wanted to be at the birth. She was super excited and began the five hour trip with my step-dad. I also called Dana to tell her it was definitely time. Chris called work to begin his two week vacation leave. Then Chris had to rush around with last minute preparations: making sure we had food available, getting the birth kit ready, setting up our bed with waterproof sheets, finalizing the accommodations for my folks, etc. By ten o'clock Dana arrived with her equipment and helped Chris finish getting set up. Dana usually had an assistant with her to attend births, but the assistant was out of town. This was fine with me; I preferred less people around.

I had still been pacing around the apartment. Walking was absolutely what my body wanted and needed to do! The contractions were now two minutes apart. They were strong enough that I had to stop moving and breathe deeply through them while swaying back and forth, almost like dancing. I didn't feel any pain. There was music playing in the background, a beautiful and intense set of pieces by Angels of Venice, which gave me something to focus on through the long contractions. Dana checked me, and found that I was seven centimeters dilated. I was excited to find that I was already so far along! We decided to continue with what I was doing, since it was working well so far. Chris brought me water, walked with me, let me lean on him when a contraction began, rubbed my back when I wanted to lean on the counter or dresser, and brought me little bites of food.

At noon Dana checked me again. I hadn't progressed very much, and the contractions were coming one or two minutes apart. They were more powerful, but didn't seem to be effective for dilation, so Dana suggested that we break my bag of waters to move things along. The instant she did, I dilated past eight centimeters and felt much more pressure from the baby's head. Dana told me to keep working through the contractions and let her know when I felt like I needed to push. She also suggested we try several different positions to help the baby move down. I tried my hands and knees, sitting on the birthing stool, lying on my back, and kneeling against the side of the bed, all of which helped me progress little bit, but made the contractions much more difficult to work through. 

The next two hours were hard. Contractions continued without any break, yet the baby was taking a very long time to move down. Chris and Dana helped support me in different positions over and over. I could tell that my body probably needed to begin pushing soon but the urge to push wasn't coming. Plus, I knew that I was getting tired, which was the first time a worry crossed my mind. The best position at this point was for me to lie on my back on a yoga mat covered with waterproof pads on the floor, with my legs up and supported by Dana and Chris. I never thought that I'd end up in a typical hospital position, but that's what was effective, so I wasn't going to complain! It was certainly the easiest way for me to labor by then since I was running out of energy. 

When Dana checked me again at two o'clock, she found that I was almost fully dilated, but still had part of my cervix getting in the way of the baby moving down into the birth canal. We made the decision that she would manually move the last lip of cervix over the baby's head and begin stretching me to assist the baby's movement. This was when I felt real pain instead of discomfort or pressure for the first time! I felt myself sinking into a place in my mind where all my focus went into "labor-land", waiting for a contraction to arrive, pushing through it, trying to learn which muscles were most effective as Dana directed me, and then completely relaxing my body to conserve energy once the contraction had finished. This stage would have been much easier if my body had felt the natural urge to push, but for some reason the instinct didn't kick in. Dana's words of guidance were invaluable as she helped me figure out what I needed to do to get this baby out!

By three o'clock I was beginning to wear down. The saving grace was the arrival of my mom! She immediately came in and helped Chris support my legs so that Dana could concentrate on the baby. I was too far immersed in the birthing process to notice much, but I found out later that everyone was getting worried because my pushing wasn't as effective as it needed to be. 

An hour later, I was almost exhausted. The thought that I might not be able to get the baby out crossed my mind; I knew he/she was very close, just a few inches away from emerging... so why was she stuck? Then Dana looked at me seriously and said these magic words: "Alyssa, your baby is SO CLOSE to being born, I can see the top of the head. But if you want to get this baby out now, you need to really use your muscles, put your chin down, get your lungs full of air, and push for a count of ten through every contraction. If you don't, then we'll have to consider going to the hospital for possible forceps or vacuum assistance." Hospital? NOW? No way! That was the last thing I wanted! 

With my last reserves of energy, I began using all my might to push. In between contractions I asked my mom to feed me bites of fruit leather and honey, and Chris continued to give me sips of water, which gave me a burst of strength. Dana was still trying to stretch me in order to give the baby room to come down, which was absolutely important, but it hurt worse than anything I've ever experienced. Every time I would have a contraction, I would try to take a deep breath from my diaphragm and push for ten seconds straight or longer. In spite of my attempt at self-control, I couldn't help shrieking as the pain became too much. This was the hardest part. I began to think, "I can't do it ANY longer." Then, in the back of my mind, I realized, "If I can't do it, then nobody can! I'M the one who has to get my baby out! Yes, I CAN do this!"  

I was dreading every contraction, but once it came I would direct all my energy into it. The seconds in between contractions were full of scattered thoughts and silent prayers that I would be able to continue; the phrase "this too shall pass" kept flashing in my mind, which was a comfort. What made it more difficult was that the baby kept kicking me with his/her feet all the time; my mom said it looked like the baby was trying to swim out, and you could see the feet pushing against my stomach constantly! When I would try to take a deep breath to push, the baby would kick against my lungs and knock the air out of me. I kept asking if my pushing was doing anything. Dana said that every time I really applied my muscles to pushing a little more of the baby's head came down.

Even though my eyes were closed I could sense that my mom, Chris, and Dana were getting more and more nervous and excited. Dana kept checking the baby's heart rate, since his/her head had been in the birth canal being pushed for so long, and the heart rate was always normal, thankfully. Suddenly the contractions burned like fire and I finally felt like I had to PUSH! Everyone was yelling encouragement, and I pushed so hard that I thought I might black out.

Then, after a huge release of pressure, something warm and wet was placed on my stomach. I was still pushing, not realizing that anything had changed, when I heard my mom and Chris crying, and Dana said, "Look at your baby!" I opened my eyes (swollen from pushing) and saw my baby looking up at me on my chest. All I could do was cry with joy and relief and say, "My baby! My baby is here!" I couldn't believe it! The baby cried a little, wiggled a lot, and was beautiful and pink and perfect. A few minutes later Dana said, "Is it a boy or a girl?" and lifted the umbilical cord up so we could see... we had a daughter! I was so happy to have my baby in my arms that I hadn't thought to see the gender. We already had a name picked out for her: Harmony Emelia!

My mom said later that as Harmony's head was emerging, you could still see her feet kicking wildly in my stomach! She was such a trooper the whole time. Once her head was out, my mom said that Dana reached in and pulled under her arms to bring the rest of her body out too, because I was already almost too exhausted to push any longer. 

Harmony was breathing well right away. She was so very alert, looking around at us and only crying a little bit. After enjoying some time together, my mom cut the umbilical cord when it had stopped pulsing, and Chris took her. I was bleeding quite a bit, so Dana immediately gave me a shot of pitocin in my leg and some cytotec; my body was almost too tired to get the placenta out, which worried us for a few minutes, but after sitting on the birthing stool the placenta finally came. There wasn't the danger of hemorrhage since Dana made sure to control the bleeding right away. 

We were surprised to find that Harmony weighed eight pounds, four ounces and was twenty inches long! I am a fairly petite person with small hips, and the baby hadn't seemed that big while I was pregnant, so to find out that she weighed that much was funny. Due to Dana's wonderful care, I didn't have any tears! My labor was only about nine hours long, another blessing for a first time birth. Harmony was so well developed that Dana thought we might have had the due date off by a week, so that she was closer to forty-one weeks rather than forty.

There were no complications with Harmony or me. I was very weak from blood loss, but I was expecting that since my blood pressure has always been low and I used to get sick from donating blood. My mom helped me clean up in the shower while Chris and Dana took care of Harmony and cleared the bedroom. This was my favorite part: I was able to crawl into my own bed, clean and happy, with my family around me and my new baby girl, in the comfort of my own home! My step-dad brought Dewey's Green Lantern pizza with lots of feta cheese to celebrate; it was the BEST pizza I've ever tasted! 

I feel so very blessed that Harmony had a natural, smooth transition into our world in the security of our home. Everything worked out so well. In spite of the pain and difficulty towards the end, I can definitely say that it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. The majority of my labor was intense but manageable. I was prepared for a long labor, with lots of techniques and "tools" to get me through many different situations, but everything happened so fast that I didn't have a chance to use most of them! I'm thankful that I felt prepared for anything, but absolutely grateful for a quick, fairly easy labor : )

During our first night together with Harmony, Chris and I read Psalm 23. The last few verses brought tears to my eyes again as I hugged my new daughter and snuggled next to my husband: "...You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

One minute after birth!

Loving our girl

Welcome, Harmony

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Why Choose a Home Birth?

Please don't consider anything I've written here to be a personal attack on your own choices of birth or as a diatribe against hospitals. I realize that every mother has to make her own decision on where and how to have her baby; if you had a hospital birth and were pleased with it, then that's wonderful! Some of my friends work or have worked in hospitals, and I am grateful to people like them who provide care for patients. Believe me, I do think that hospitals are a blessing when they are needed! My first visit to an emergency room for stitches in my forehead when I was two years old made that very clear : ) 

First, here are the three main questions I hear, and from what others who've chosen home-birth before have said, these questions are extremely common:

~ "Isn't home-birth dangerous (since a hospital is obviously the safest place to have a baby)?"

~ "But doesn't a home-birth mean that you can't have pain medication? (You'll be begging for an epidural!)"

~ "What if something goes wrong (and you need immediate medical assistance)?"

Generally people who think I'm crazy will then go on to tell me about their children's births in a hospital, which is usually a story ending in "I was so thankful for the pain-killers" or "I would have died if I hadn't been in a hospital". Not the most positive way to prepare me for my first birth!

If you would like to know the basic answers to the questions above, I highly recommend reading this article before moving on.

Second, I had some very powerful reasons why I already knew even before I was pregnant that I did NOT want to have my baby in a hospital if I could help it. Here are some of my reasons:

~ After several experiences with illness and surgery in hospitals, I have come to view them as necessary for medical emergencies and dire sickness, so I understand their importance. I probably would have died of infections (once of staph. infection, once of double kidney infections) if a hospital hadn't treated me. However, I don't view birth as an illness. Yes, sometimes situations occur that necessitate medical interventions in birth, for the mother or baby's health, but these occurances are the minority, not the majority, as any study or honest doctor/OBGYN will tell you. From everything I've researched, the majority of women (with proper prenatal care) can have healthy pregnancies and births that require a minimum of interference.

~ Hospitals have always made me VERY uneasy, because of their frigidly impersonal environment, frequent rotation of staff (there's always a stranger poking you when you're trying to sleep), glaring white surroundings, never-ending rounds of needles (I haaaaate needles), and constant noise (other patients shrieking, the intercom, carts rattling around). How much more relaxed and at ease I would be if I could labor and have my baby at home, in peace!

~ I hate how confining some hospital rules can be for a laboring mother. It is a rare hospital that will let the mother walk around if she wants to, birth in different positions other than flat on her back, eat and drink what and when she pleases, include whatever family members she wants, sing or yell or moan, get in and out of a warm shower or tub, wear what she wants... I value the freedom to find the best process for my body to give birth, unless it is absolutely medically necessary for me to do otherwise.

~ At this point, Chris and I are still researching various options for newborns such as circumcision, vaccinations, etc. We're not sure which (if any) we'll do. With a home-birth, we can decide whether we'll have these for our baby, without being forced into them by the rules of a medical establishment.

~ After my past surgeries, the pain-killers prescribed for the days of recovery have always made me extremely sick to my stomach, so ever since I was a kid, I'd often refuse to take them. I can only imagine what a pain-blocker like an epidural might do to my stomach or nerves! I learned that I'd rather suffer through pain than throw up constantly and drain my energy. Of course it hurt, and I wasn't really one of those "silent sufferers" (my mom can attest to my crying when the pain became unbearable) but I know now that I can have a very high level of pain tolerance when I need to. An un-medicated birth has been proven to be more healthy for both the mother and baby, both in the long and short terms, and to aid in bonding after birth.

These are just a few of the major reasons I want to have a home-birth. For others, please read this article.

Here is another great article on the reasons for home-birth. 

Third, there really is a lot of safety in having a home-birth. Yes, sometimes emergencies happen. There is a chance of complications or death for the mother or newborn even in a hospital; very rarely, tragedies happen unexpectedly, which we have to be prepared for no matter where we choose to give birth. Plus, there is a much greater chance of unnecessary medical interventions being performed in a hospital birth (that may cause more problems than they prevent), not to mention the high prevelance of hospital-acquired infections that are rapidly becoming a huge problem nowadays!

The important thing is to have plans ready IN CASE interventions are needed at any point. In St. Louis, no midwife will allow a home-birth if the mother develops ecclampsia, is expecting multiples, or has a pre-existing medical condition that would make a hospital birth necessary. Only "low-risk" pregnancies are advised to consider a home-birth, which makes a lot of sense. Of course, it's still possible to have a minimal-intervention birth in a hospital, but the hospital can often try to over-rule (or bully into submission) a mother's wishes if their policies dictate a specific medical procedure for a "dangerous" situation. 

One of my favorite parts of planning for a home-birth has been the appointments with the midwife. I've been seeing her for all my prenatal visits, receiving the same exams as I'd have with an OBGYN, such as monitoring the baby's heartbeat, keeping up with my health, urine and blood exams, etc. I've loved my visits with the midwife, held in her office which is located in the comfortable basement of her home. In a doctor's office, my heart-rate skyrockets with nervousness, as I would have to wait for long periods of time in empty rooms for a few minutes with the OBGYN, with a different nurse each time taking my vitals and administering tests. Instead, the midwife talks with me as I sit on the cozy couch in her office, sometimes with her four year old daughter playing at our feet; my appointments last on average forty-five minutes while we discuss everything, go through tests (she is very considerate of my fear of needles), and ensure that everything is proceeding well for me. It is much more personal to develop a relationship with her, knowing that she is doing all she can to help me have a healthy pregnancy and will be there to help me have a positive, safe birth. She has attended over two hundred births, worked in several hospitals as a nurse (including in the intensive care unit), has five children of her own, and worked in a birthing center in Russia. Chris and I both feel very confident in her qualifications!

As a side-note, we have elected to forego the usual ultrasound tests for several personal reasons, including the important fact that we want our baby's gender to be a surprise, even though my midwife could help arrange for me to have an ultra-sound if it was necessary.

My deepest desire is for the safe delivery of my baby. If that means I need to go to the hospital, then I will certainly do that; we already have a hospital as part of the birth plan, in case I need to be transferred there. But unless that situation ever happens, I will hopefully have my first baby at home sometime during the middle or end of June. Chris, the midwife, and my mom will be present at the birth, if the baby holds on long enough for my mom to make the four hour drive from Kansas City! So far, at least, everything has been going very well, with no morning sickness, nothing abnormal in any tests, and a positive outlook for the end goal.

Am I nervous? A little. There is always the uncertainty of the future. Am I afraid? No, not at all. My preparation and support are being carried out to the best of my ability, and I am confident that nothing will happen that is out of God's will for me. Mostly, I am very, very excited! My first pregnancy has been exhausting, but also full of learning and joy. The midwife's knowledge and precaution will aid my health, Chris and my mom will boost my inner strength, and our loving community will be waiting to welcome the new little one to this world. 

If you have any other questions, please read this article, which delves further into the myths of how "dangerous" home-birth is.

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Where Am I Nowadays?

Please join me at one of my new blog ventures: Always Quest for Truth , Life is the Teacher , or Unwrapping Love .

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100th Blog Post!

So this is my 100th blog since I began writing here! Woohoo! And according to the blogger's code, I am writing 100 facts about me. Be prepared for complete randomness.

* EDIT: I have updated some of these facts since this post was written in 2008! *


1. Until I was fourteen years old, everybody called me Ally. After that I wanted to be called Alyssa. I don't quite remember why. Now I'm mostly called Lyssa by my friends.

2. I was born in California.

3. My family, consisting of my mom, stepdad Sean, and sister Emily, are the most wonderful people in the world. The only person I could love as much as I love them is...

4. ...my husband, Chris. We balance each other. I could not imagine spending my life with any other person.

5. Besides my family and future husband, my circle of friends vary greatly in age and occupation. Two of my very best friends have been a sixteen year old guitarist and an eighty-seven year old lady whom I knit with.

6. My secret music passion is techno, even in spite of my being a classically-trained musician.

7. I am allergic to almost everything that grows and breathes in the outdoors except for mold and bird feathers.

8. My dreams are almost always vivid, bizarre, and memorable.

9. The end scenes of Disney movies Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, and Sleeping Beauty scared me so much as a kid that I don't think I was ever able to sit through the entire show without covering my eyes or running screaming out of the room.

10. Bright colors bothered me until I was in my late teens. So I wore dark or muted clothing all the time, with no patterns like stripes or dots or sequins.

11. The worst (and usually most effective) punishment my mom could ever use to discipline my bad behavior as a child was to take away the privilege of reading for a day. It was pure torture to not be allowed to open up one of my precious books! I would always try to change my behavior for the better and count the hours until the next day when I could dive back into my reading again.

12. My sister's birthday is the day before mine. The day after she was born, I went to see her and my mom in the hospital (it was my fifth birthday), and I remember being completely elated that we could take her home with us! I still consider Em the best birthday present ever : )

13. Wassily Kandinsky is my favorite visual artist.

14. Hayao Miyazaki is one of the greatest filmmakers of all time.

15. If I don't watch where I'm going, I will walk into walls. And trees.

16. Large crowds bother me.

17. People-watching is one of my absolute favorite pastimes. The only tricky thing about it is trying to not look like a creepy stalker.

18. I make many, many, many mistakes.

19. I will eat honey straight out of the jar.

20. Spanish, Esperanto, Latin, and French are the only other languages I ever attempted to learn, and I suck hardcore at all of them. I'm just not cut out for foreign languages.

21. I was home-schooled my entire life until I went to college.

22. One time when I was helping a friend fill up his hummingbird feeder, a live hummingbird flew up and rested on my finger. It was an absolutely incredible moment.

23. Roller coasters make me ill.

24. Although my mother, sister, dad, maternal grandmother, and maternal great-grandmother are amazingly talented artists, I missed that gene, and can barely draw stick figures. Though I love playing with colored pencils and paint.

25. I wanted to start playing classical guitar when I was four years old.

26. My mom read out loud to me almost every day (and night) from the time I was an infant all the way through elementary school. We read together as a family after that quite frequently, and now I still enjoy hearing her read out loud.

27. I write much more fluently than I speak. I'm shy... get nervous talking in front of people... can never think of the right words to say... and sometimes stutter.

28. The fourteen different places I've lived in my life have made me accustomed to constant change. I actually enjoy moving now.

29. Through process of experimentation, I've developed a killer recipe for chai tea.

30. From what my mom tells me I said my first word when I was five months old: "Hair".

31. About 70% of all the guys I've ever been seriously attracted to were/had been Catholic. Weird trend.

32. Zucchini is gross, except when hidden in zucchini bread baked by my mom.

33. The first vegetable successfully grown by Yours Truly was tomatillos. What the heck is that, you say? Well, let me just tell you that they are not generally used in traditional American dishes, look like little green tomatoes with a papery coat on, and they don't taste very good. But they grew like the dickens below my bedroom window. And that was all that mattered to a nine year old. Look for them the next time you go to the grocery store.

34. I had three imaginary friends who appeared when I was about ten. One was named Link, one Chip, and one Flash. They phased through other names briefly, but always came back to those. They lasted about nine years. Can you tell that I was a weird child? Yeah.

35. Only one of my good friends was a girl when I was growing up. All the rest of my friends were boys. Now it's the opposite way.

36. Climbing trees has been a beloved pastime of mine since I was four.

37. Doctors continually classify me as underweight. I think it's called "high metabolism and a dislike for most meats". After having a baby, I'm now at a healthy weight! Yay!

38. When the Lord of the Rings movies first came out in the theaters, my friends and I were so enamored that we dressed like elves at the movie theater and wrote letters to each in elvish for about three years. Can you say "ultra nerd"?

39. I used to want ten children. Now I'd like to have five. But it'll most likely end up being between three and four. We'll see...

40. My first guitar student was a little boy named Carlo. I was sixteen, he was about eight. He doesn't play guitar anymore, but he lives in Italy now and we keep in touch occasionally.

41. At this point, I've taught over one hundred fifty guitar students. Not all at once.

42. I strive to focus my life around the person and teachings of Jesus Christ, who I believe to be the one true hope for mankind, serving Him in thankfulness with the abilities He has given me in the circumstances that He places me. That's the basic theme of my existence; I'm not going to get into theology or worldview discussions here.

43. My guitars are named Rubio and Elphaba.

44. I still write and receive handwritten letters.

45. My mom is so cool that she let me sleep on the top shelf of my closet for about two months when I was a kid.

46. Vampires AND werewolves are stupid.

47. Milk products make my tummy hurt.

48. When I first read Shakespeare at twelve years old, I thought I had died and gone to heaven.

49. The only music I could tolerate being played on the radio in the house and car up until I was fourteen years old was classical music. ULTRA NERD.

50. My earliest musical memories are of dancing in the living room to Vivaldi's Four Seasons and covering my ears as my dad tried to play the Beetles' song Yellow Submarine.

51. Supposedly I have a great-great-great-grandmother who was from Ireland.

52. When I walk, my big toes stretch out away from the other little toes. It makes my feet look weird.

53. Sometimes I forget what I'm saying as I'm sayi...

54. One of my goals is to become familiar with the songs of native Missouri birds.

55. Ships and airplanes freak me out. Or, rather, I should say that being on water and in the air freak me out. Not the vehicles themselves.

56. I hate watching t.v. Unfortunately, it's rather addictive.

57. But I do enjoy watching non-suspensful, not-overly-mushy movies occasionally. And cooking shows.

58. If I like a movie/CD, I will watch/listen to it on repeat for days at a time. This drives everyone around me bonkers. Only I can have "Pirates of Penzance" on twice a day for three weeks and not go mad.

59. I used to collect stamps, coins, rocks, moss, yarn, and books. Now I collect yarn, books, and plants.

60. Fire has always been an immense fascination.

61. One of the only ways I can remember anything is if I make it into a song.

62. One of my nicknames in childhood used to be Hazel, or Hazel-Rah, from "Watership Down" by Richard Adams. This book taught me a lot about who I wanted to be.

63. I met the musician Sting when I was seventeen. He gave a master class on composition at the university I attended; it was very interesting, and the acoustic performance he gave was lovely!

64. The library (any library) is my favorite public place to be.

65. Of course, my favorite place of all is anywhere my family is : )

66. I own only one pair of shorts, but I never wear them except as pajamas.

67. My sister and I like making the peace sign when our pictures are being taken.

68. The most popular t.v. shows in my house when I was growing up were Reading Rainbow, Wishbone, Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, Sesame Street, Barney, and the Antique Road Show. Yeah. We liked antiques.

69. I am an extremely touch-sensitive person.

70. I tend to learn lessons the hard way.

71. When I was a child, I was completely convinced that I had magic powers that would allow me to see tiny people that nobody else could see and talk to animals.

72. Also, I had a magic stone that would turn my bicycle into a flying horse.

73. All kinds of weather make me happy. Maybe it's because the weather changes so often. And I like change.

74. The only sport I was ever good at was track and field, and even then it wasn't really the running that I could do, it was long-jumping.

75. The long-jumping is what earned me one of my nicknames in high-school: The Toad.

76. As a kid I used to love reading the books Genesis, Exodus, Joshua, Judges, 1st and 2nd Samuel, and 1st and 2nd Kings from the Bible. They were filled with exciting stories that made me wonder who the heck God really was.

77. When I was a young teenager, I would often read Psalms and Proverbs from the Bible. The poetry I liked. The wisdom I was pretty sure would be useful.

78. Legos were the toy of choice throughout most of my growing up years.

79. I didn't learn how to type on a computer until I was eleven. Before then, I wrote my poetry, stories, and diary on paper.

80. I'm pretty sure I get slightly dehydrated quite a bit, because I'm rarely thirsty, so I never remember to drink water.

81. My body naturally inclines towards being a night owl, but I like waking up early in the morning better. It's a constant war against myself.

82. "Lucille" was the only doll I ever loved. My grandmother got her for me when I was an infant, and she came complete with a little green jumper, bonnet, and adoption certificate of "Cabbage Patch".

83. The most popular game in the homeschool group I grew up in was called "Medicine Tree". It was like a cross between Robin Hood and a primitive outdoor hospital. Usually Robin would be played by my friend Ryan, with the evil Sheriff and Queen roles switched around to various kids. There was a Jester, several Archers, Soldiers, animals (younger siblings), Messengers, Gatherers, and sometimes a Spy. I was almost always Maid Marian.

84. Skittles are my favorite candy. Followed by Butterfingers.

85. One of my deepest desires is to try to fix things, whether they be people or objects.

86. In order to do that, I have to understand what makes them tick, which means a lot of studying and/or taking them apart. I don't take apart people, though. Too messy.

87. As I get older I realize more and more that I can't fix people. I can only give help where I am able and let God do the rest. This doesn't mean that I am always okay with letting go.

88. Cooking food is fun.

89. Eating food is even better.

90. Eating food with friends is the best.

91. Eating food with friends out in nature is glorious.

92. While I don't have two left feet, I fail at any kind of dancing that doesn't have a set pattern. But I do love to dance.

93. I am a radical in this world because I believe in absolute truth, ultimate goodness, and definable beauty.

94. I love it when children give me pictures they have drawn.

95. The two hardest things for me to do are to forgive as I have been forgiven and to have patience.

96. Yoga is super relaxing and fun to do, but I never have enough discipline to consistently practice it.

97. Synesthesia is very important in my everyday life. I see colors when I hear music, read words, or talk to people.

98. It seems like most people look at the world and think "so what?". Wouldn't it be interesting if everyone thought "what if?".

99. I want to live to be a hundred years old.

100. "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?"

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Differing Thoughts on Educating Children

In my recent studies, I've come across these quotes. You can probably tell which ideas I agree with and which one I don't.



"Why should we have to try to develop such [actively inquisitive] minds, when children are born with them? Somewhere along the line, adults must fail somehow to sustain the infant's curiosity at its original depth. School itself, perhaps, dulls the mind- by the dead weight of rote learning, much of which may be necessary. The failure is probably even more the parents' fault. We so often tell a child there is no answer, even when one is available, or demand that he ask no more questions. We thinly conceal our irritation when baffled by the apparently unanswerable query. All this discourages the child. He may get the impression that it is impolite to be too inquisitive. Human inquisitiveness is never killed; but it is soon debased to the sort of questions asked by most college students, who, like the adults they soon to become, ask only for information."

~ Mortimer J. Adler & Charles Van Doren, How to Read a Book, Chapter 18: How to Read Philosophy



"We shall not try to make these people or any of their children into philosophers or men of learning or men of science. We have not to raise up from among them authors, educators, poets or men of letters. We shall not search for embryo great artists, painters, musicians, nor lawyers, doctors, preachers, politicians, statesmen, of whom we have ample supply. The task we set before ourselves is simple... We will organize children... and teach them to do in a perfect way the things their fathers and mothers are doing in an imperfect way."

~ Excerpt from a 1906 document from Rockefellar's General Education Board, called Occasional Letter Number One



"Studies serve for delight, for ornament, and for ability. Their chief use for delight is in privateness and retiring; for ornament, is in discourse; and for ability, is in the judgement and disposition of business. For expert men can execute, and perhaps judge of particulars, one by one; but the general counsels, and the plots and marshalling of affairs, come best from those that are learned. To spend too much time in studies is sloth; to use them too much for ornament is affectation; to make judgement wholly by their rules is the humour of a scholar.... for natural abilities are like natural plants, that need proyning (pruning) by study..."

~ Francis Bacon, Essay L: Of Studies



"To a very great degree, school is a place where children learn to be stupid. A dismal thought, but hard to escape. Infants are not stupid. Children of one, two, or even three throw the whole of themselves into everything they do. They embrace life, and devour it, it is why they learn so fast, and are such good company. Listlessness, boredom, apathy- these all come later. Children come to school curious; within a few years most of that curiosity is dead, or at least silent... The expressions on the children's faces seemed to say, 'You've got us here in school; now make us do whatever it is you want us to do.' Curiosity, questions, speculation- these are for outside school, not inside."

~ John Holt, in his book Why Children Fail

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In Praise of (Gentle)Men

The movie "Mary Poppins" has been one of my favorite Disney films ever since I was a child. Even more than the movie, I loved the songs. My mom (to whom I am eternally grateful for raising me with music in the home) bought me several cassette tapes of Disney songs before I was five years old. The two I remember the best were "Oliver and Company" and "Mary Poppins". Being so young, I hardly understood what the lyrics meant even as I sang along with them; "political equality, and equal rights with men" in the Sister Suffragette song, all the talk about investments in the bank, the cockney accents of the chimney sweeps, class division of the servants... so many things make more sense fifteen years later.

In the scene where the main characters magically jumped into the chalk picture, I always particularly loved the song that Mary and Bert sang to each other.

Ain't it a glorious day,
right as a morning in May,
I feel like I could fly!
Have you ever seen
the grass so green,
or a bluer sky?

Then Mary takes a turn to sing about Bert:

Oh, it's a jolly holiday with you, Bert.
Gentlemen like you are few.
Though you're just a diamond in the rough, Bert,
underneath your blood is blue!
You'd never think of pressing your advantage,
forbearance is the whole mark of your creed;
a lady needn't fear when you are near,
your sweet gentility is crystal clear.
Oh, it's a jolly holiday with you, Bert,
a jolly, jolly holiday with you!

When I listened to this song, I used to wonder why Mary Poppins seemed to imply that the majority of men in the world were bad. To me, most of the guys I saw in my little sphere were "good" in the sense that they weren't cruel towards anybody, that they strove to be honest. At least they opened doors for women and had common decency. Then the real world hit...

Who wouldn't agree with Mary now that "gentlemen are few"? After four years of college, I'd say there is maybe one true gentleman out of a thousand normal college males, perhaps even less. The dictionary qualifies a "gentleman" as "a chivalrous, courteous, or honorable man", and further defines these attributes:

Chivalrous: giving special attention and respect towards women; brave.

Courteous: polite, respectful, or considerate in manner; having manners fit for a royal court.

Honorable: being worthy of honor by concerning oneself with the principles of right and wrong behavior and the goodness or badness of human character.

How many men do you know that fit these qualities? I've been disillusioned many times by naively assuming that any fellow I meet is automatically a gentleman. WRONG. But why should I expect young men to behave in a certain way when they have never been taught to do so, when gallant conduct is not encouraged or rewarded, and when in our society nowadays females insist on being treated the same as their counterparts, which effectively negates all sense of deferential propriety?

But I didn't want to write this to malign men. Its intent is to praise the few who still adhere to the higher standard that used to be the norm. There are several men who I'd like to acknowledge for being true gentlemen in my interactions with them.

1. Mozart-Man: I've written so much about him recently, so I'll try not to go on about all his amazing characteristics : ) I love him so very much. He treats me with deference and kind words and actions.

2. My step-dad, Sean: Watching how much of a gentleman he is towards my mom, both Mozart-Man and I are humbled. Sean very much has a servant's heart, looking to my mom's needs, questions, and wants before his own. There are many things in my mom and Sean's relationship that Mozart-Man and I hope to emulate in our own marriage eventually.

3. Matt: An old friend who I've known from the time I was eight years old. We were home schooled together until we graduated from high school. I loved him like a brother, and for a long time we were best friends. I haven't been good about staying in contact with him, but I will never forget how kind he always was to me. I don't ever remember a single mean-spirited word from him.

4. Alec and Xander: My youngest friends. At sixteen/seventeen, they are both well on their way to becoming quite honest and warmhearted young men, who are very gifted musically. I'm looking forward to seeing what they plan on pursuing in college. I've been especially happy to be included in Alec's family life over the past few years. I wish I was able to see Xander, but he lives in California.

5. Jim: The husband of my first guitar teacher, Kelli. He has never been anything but kind to me. I have admired him so much for fourteen years. He and Kelli have a wonderful marriage relationship that is good to see.

6. Kevin: Guitar educationist extraordinaire, he took the time to help me get on my feet as a young performer and then a teacher. His careful attention to the people he directs is inspirational to see. Consideration of details, both in human temperaments and in his work with music, is one of his specialties.

7. Peter: Last, but most certainly not least, this young man (and his entire family) has been in my life since we met at guitar camp almost seven years ago. The phrase in the Mary Poppins song, "sweet gentility", fits him perfectly. He is one of the most energetic, intrepid, driven guys I've ever met, but also one who exhibits the most courtesy. I saw him and his sister Ellen the other night and realized again how blessed I am to have Peter as one of my greatest friends.

The more I see of the caliber of men in the world, the more I realize how important it is for everyone to do what they can to motivate gentlemanly behavior. Parents obviously have the most effect on the next generation of males, with teachers and mentors as a close second. Friends can have a large influence on the men in their lives, too. But this lack of comportment and noble mindset is not just the fault of men... women are in on the blame.

Maybe I'll write another blog about the degenerate female state sometime.

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Happy New Year, 2010!

Every year I write down goals for the New. I do this because I love traditions, look forward to the fresh start, and feel motivated to incorporate change. Some of my ambitions are relatively simple to implement, while others are far more rigorous. I want to look back at this list on December 31st of 2010 and see how things turned out. Maybe I can make bookmarks of these aspirations as a constant visual reminder.

- Read books primarily for increasing understanding, occasionally for information or entertainment. Lately I've had the same occurrence with books as I've had with cutting sugar out of my diet: the less sugar I consume, the sweeter and more satisfying fruit tastes. I don't remember if I've written this before, but I feel like a kid in a candy shop when I go to a bookstore or the library; only, this candy won't give me a stomach ache! I'll post my (growing) book list for 2010 in my next blog if I can get it all typed into my computer soon.

HUNGER FOR FRUITY BOOKS


- Become more responsible with my money. I don't squander it... I'm not a spendthrift. On the contrary, I'm rather a miser! My problem is that I'm terrible with numbers, math, and budgeting. The monthly figuring requisite for any music teacher literally gives me nightmares. It takes me probably twice as long to do all the sums and check and recheck everything as it would a normal person to get everything right. I studied math all through high school, took my SATS, and got A's in almost every other subject, but numbers of any sort have always been a huge struggle. I need discipline, patience, resolve, diligence, and humility to ask for help in my budgeting this year. I want to know exactly how every penny is being spent, and not become confused in the middle of the month when I find that my grocery budget has fifty more (or, even worse, fifty less) dollars extra in it, and then I wonder if I forgot to pay my phone bill or accidentally took grocery money from some other expense category. Even if all I did was ask Mozart-Man to assist me in my monthly planning and bill-paying (which he has offered to do before, but I was too prideful to accept), that would make a big difference!

BALANCE THE GREEN STUFF


- Strive to notice the beautiful in everything. On the bus ride back to St. Louis this week from Kansas City, I pretended for a while that I couldn't read and had never seen advanced technology before... and then tried to make sense of all the things I saw. You try figuring out what a car wash and vacuum center is with that mindset! Then, as we were driving through Columbia, I examined the surroundings to observe what artistic beauty, good architectural taste, and preservation of natural environment was evident in and around the various buildings. I was surprised with how much and how little I saw. It was definitely a thought-provoking, interesting experience. After reading two books called "Winter World" and "Summer World", my eyes have also been more open to creation and the seasons. Hence why I love my new eco-planner I wrote about in my Christmas post ; )

LOOK FROM THE COLOR SIDE


- Grow in my relationship with Mozart-Man. We've been formally dating for about four years now. I know that at some (very near) point in the future he is going to propose, which I'm extremely excited about : ) I always want to continue to develop a closer relationship with him no matter what stage of our lives we are in; at this time next year, there's a good likelihood that we'll be married, but there is still a lifetime's worth of getting to know him waiting for me! I want to become more graceful, kind, and unselfish in our interactions. I'm so excited to create a life with him. We strive to be complementary to each other's strengths, supportive of each other's accomplishments, and sympathetic of each other's weaknesses. It's a continuous work of grace. His growth as a young man has been so incredible to watch in the period that I've known him. He is one of the most forgiving, gentle, iron-willed, truth-seeking people I've ever met. Yes, he has his faults, but I will strive to be merciful and gracious towards him, as mercy has been so often extended to me when I did not deserve it.

LOVE MOZART-MAN MORE


- Explore the role of becoming a CAHSA artist. I made up this position after reading a book my mom gave Emily to read this semester, called "Art for God's Sake" by Philip Ryken. It outlines four principles which an artist (any artist, performing, visual, creative, etc.) can use to orient themselves and their artistic talents on Christ.

1) Calling: Your creative gift is a blessing from God; likewise, your calling to become an artist (or any other vocation) is also from God. The occupation of a music teacher or a photographer can be just as God-honoring as that of a pastor. It depends on your mindset. I'll describe this in more detail in point four.

2) All: God takes delight in all venues of art. Of course, anything that is contrary to the Word, such as pornography or racist propaganda, is not something good, so there is a line that is drawn. However, one art is not "better" or "more spiritual" than another. A painting of the city of Los Angeles can speak as much about God or His attributes as a song with lyrics about Jesus. Art does not have to scream "Christian!" in order to point to God; one's worldview comes out in the art one creates no matter what belief system is held.

3) High Standards: Imagine that your art, whether it was a music composition, a painting, a film, a short story, a wooden chair, was going up for assessment in front of a panel of the most prestigious, brilliant artists in your field. Naturally you would want anything you submitted to be the very best! Translate that to us frail beings offering up our tiny artistry to the Creator of the universe. Would you want it to be kitschy, mediocre, or false? Now, I don't believe that God is out there scoffing at our trifling attempts to imitate Him, or judging our art to be pathetic or not good enough; rather, His amazing works of splendor, complexity, and design even on the most microscopic scale should inspire us to create "in His image". Art is condoned and encouraged in many places in the Bible, with music, embroidery, metal-working, dance, singing, carpentry, poetry, abstract art, representational/allegorical art, and other avenues of creative expression portrayed as obviously important to God's people.

4) All Art is for God's glory: Everything we do should be for the glory of the one who is the ultimate Artist. This mindset does not allow for some areas of life to be considered "spiritual" and some areas to be "secular". God created man... man is redeemed through Christ, not just part of man, but the whole man. I read a quote the other day that "The Christian is the one whose imagination should fly beyond the stars." The intellect, the curiosity, the inventiveness, the soul and center of man can be freed to truly explore and create once the redemptive power of Christ over every aspect of living is confessed. Truth is graspable. Truth can and should be conveyed in every artistic endeavor.

This is not to say that there is not ugliness in the world. As the book I mentioned pointed out, the Christian is not called to simply cover up the unpleasant. Rainbows and kittens and happiness are not what the world is all about. Sometimes there is a call to deliberately drag the frightful injustices of this earth into view... even a necessity. But the difference in the Christian is that we cannot stop there, at debasement. The world has not fallen without hope. Christ was born, Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ is coming again! There is the promise of life in the midst of death. These epic themes of Creation, Fall, and Redemption speak to artists of all cultures, ethnic heritages, ages, capabilities, and styles.

I am saying these things for my own sake. I see the vast sinfulness in my life. I see my need for a Savior. But I also see that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, as all are, and given specific abilities to be used compassionately or selfishly. This is a call to dedicate everything in life, especially my love of music and teaching, to God.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY

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