Happy New Year, 2010!

Every year I write down goals for the New. I do this because I love traditions, look forward to the fresh start, and feel motivated to incorporate change. Some of my ambitions are relatively simple to implement, while others are far more rigorous. I want to look back at this list on December 31st of 2010 and see how things turned out. Maybe I can make bookmarks of these aspirations as a constant visual reminder.

- Read books primarily for increasing understanding, occasionally for information or entertainment. Lately I've had the same occurrence with books as I've had with cutting sugar out of my diet: the less sugar I consume, the sweeter and more satisfying fruit tastes. I don't remember if I've written this before, but I feel like a kid in a candy shop when I go to a bookstore or the library; only, this candy won't give me a stomach ache! I'll post my (growing) book list for 2010 in my next blog if I can get it all typed into my computer soon.

HUNGER FOR FRUITY BOOKS


- Become more responsible with my money. I don't squander it... I'm not a spendthrift. On the contrary, I'm rather a miser! My problem is that I'm terrible with numbers, math, and budgeting. The monthly figuring requisite for any music teacher literally gives me nightmares. It takes me probably twice as long to do all the sums and check and recheck everything as it would a normal person to get everything right. I studied math all through high school, took my SATS, and got A's in almost every other subject, but numbers of any sort have always been a huge struggle. I need discipline, patience, resolve, diligence, and humility to ask for help in my budgeting this year. I want to know exactly how every penny is being spent, and not become confused in the middle of the month when I find that my grocery budget has fifty more (or, even worse, fifty less) dollars extra in it, and then I wonder if I forgot to pay my phone bill or accidentally took grocery money from some other expense category. Even if all I did was ask Mozart-Man to assist me in my monthly planning and bill-paying (which he has offered to do before, but I was too prideful to accept), that would make a big difference!

BALANCE THE GREEN STUFF


- Strive to notice the beautiful in everything. On the bus ride back to St. Louis this week from Kansas City, I pretended for a while that I couldn't read and had never seen advanced technology before... and then tried to make sense of all the things I saw. You try figuring out what a car wash and vacuum center is with that mindset! Then, as we were driving through Columbia, I examined the surroundings to observe what artistic beauty, good architectural taste, and preservation of natural environment was evident in and around the various buildings. I was surprised with how much and how little I saw. It was definitely a thought-provoking, interesting experience. After reading two books called "Winter World" and "Summer World", my eyes have also been more open to creation and the seasons. Hence why I love my new eco-planner I wrote about in my Christmas post ; )

LOOK FROM THE COLOR SIDE


- Grow in my relationship with Mozart-Man. We've been formally dating for about four years now. I know that at some (very near) point in the future he is going to propose, which I'm extremely excited about : ) I always want to continue to develop a closer relationship with him no matter what stage of our lives we are in; at this time next year, there's a good likelihood that we'll be married, but there is still a lifetime's worth of getting to know him waiting for me! I want to become more graceful, kind, and unselfish in our interactions. I'm so excited to create a life with him. We strive to be complementary to each other's strengths, supportive of each other's accomplishments, and sympathetic of each other's weaknesses. It's a continuous work of grace. His growth as a young man has been so incredible to watch in the period that I've known him. He is one of the most forgiving, gentle, iron-willed, truth-seeking people I've ever met. Yes, he has his faults, but I will strive to be merciful and gracious towards him, as mercy has been so often extended to me when I did not deserve it.

LOVE MOZART-MAN MORE


- Explore the role of becoming a CAHSA artist. I made up this position after reading a book my mom gave Emily to read this semester, called "Art for God's Sake" by Philip Ryken. It outlines four principles which an artist (any artist, performing, visual, creative, etc.) can use to orient themselves and their artistic talents on Christ.

1) Calling: Your creative gift is a blessing from God; likewise, your calling to become an artist (or any other vocation) is also from God. The occupation of a music teacher or a photographer can be just as God-honoring as that of a pastor. It depends on your mindset. I'll describe this in more detail in point four.

2) All: God takes delight in all venues of art. Of course, anything that is contrary to the Word, such as pornography or racist propaganda, is not something good, so there is a line that is drawn. However, one art is not "better" or "more spiritual" than another. A painting of the city of Los Angeles can speak as much about God or His attributes as a song with lyrics about Jesus. Art does not have to scream "Christian!" in order to point to God; one's worldview comes out in the art one creates no matter what belief system is held.

3) High Standards: Imagine that your art, whether it was a music composition, a painting, a film, a short story, a wooden chair, was going up for assessment in front of a panel of the most prestigious, brilliant artists in your field. Naturally you would want anything you submitted to be the very best! Translate that to us frail beings offering up our tiny artistry to the Creator of the universe. Would you want it to be kitschy, mediocre, or false? Now, I don't believe that God is out there scoffing at our trifling attempts to imitate Him, or judging our art to be pathetic or not good enough; rather, His amazing works of splendor, complexity, and design even on the most microscopic scale should inspire us to create "in His image". Art is condoned and encouraged in many places in the Bible, with music, embroidery, metal-working, dance, singing, carpentry, poetry, abstract art, representational/allegorical art, and other avenues of creative expression portrayed as obviously important to God's people.

4) All Art is for God's glory: Everything we do should be for the glory of the one who is the ultimate Artist. This mindset does not allow for some areas of life to be considered "spiritual" and some areas to be "secular". God created man... man is redeemed through Christ, not just part of man, but the whole man. I read a quote the other day that "The Christian is the one whose imagination should fly beyond the stars." The intellect, the curiosity, the inventiveness, the soul and center of man can be freed to truly explore and create once the redemptive power of Christ over every aspect of living is confessed. Truth is graspable. Truth can and should be conveyed in every artistic endeavor.

This is not to say that there is not ugliness in the world. As the book I mentioned pointed out, the Christian is not called to simply cover up the unpleasant. Rainbows and kittens and happiness are not what the world is all about. Sometimes there is a call to deliberately drag the frightful injustices of this earth into view... even a necessity. But the difference in the Christian is that we cannot stop there, at debasement. The world has not fallen without hope. Christ was born, Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ is coming again! There is the promise of life in the midst of death. These epic themes of Creation, Fall, and Redemption speak to artists of all cultures, ethnic heritages, ages, capabilities, and styles.

I am saying these things for my own sake. I see the vast sinfulness in my life. I see my need for a Savior. But I also see that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, as all are, and given specific abilities to be used compassionately or selfishly. This is a call to dedicate everything in life, especially my love of music and teaching, to God.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY

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(Late) About Guitar Camp

Guitar camp was amazing. Like always, of course! During the course of the week, I felt...

- bittersweet. Becoming an adult is hard, especially when most of your friends are still not adults. I GREATLY enjoyed teaching, don't get me wrong, but I still wanted to hang out with the older students there, who are between the ages of fourteen and eighteen; they've been my friends for years, and I don't want to just quit hanging out with them just because I'm a teacher now! Especially since they're some of the most awesome people I know. But I did make an effort to socialize around the other "grown-ups" more. It was hard. But it worked out.

- LOVED! I never realize how often I get hugs at camp until I have to leave. I am hugged probably every half an hour, every day, all day, and most of the night until I go to bed. I adore hugs, and can never get enough of them! It's so cool to get hugs constantly from the wonderful kids and adults at camp, from seven year old Emily to *cough cough* year old Kevin, the most advanced teacher at camp. Lots of hugs. It's a motto : )

- useful. Like I said, I really enjoyed the teaching I was able to do. The ensemble I coached only had four kids in it, but they were great. I enjoyed working with them. We played a rather difficult piece for their level, the pop song called "Mad World" from the movie Donnie Darko. They really stepped up to the plate! Plus, I was able to offer some individual coaching sessions with some of the students at camp; whether the instruction I provided was helpful or not, I don't know, but I hope they didn't leave without feeling that they benefited from what I said!

- refreshed. I always come away from camp with a renewed desire to teach. Spending the week with some of the best teachers in the country is more wonderful than I can describe. I even am beginning to feel the renewed desire to practice, which hasn't happened since I gave my senior recital and graduated! I've been working on some Chet Atkins tunes, Take Five and Music to Watch Girls By. Lovely songs.

- happy. I am happy when I can spend time with people I admire, care for, and respect, both for their musical qualities and for their moral character. There are many such people at guitar camp, both young and old.

- deepened. What a joy to deepen my relationships with people who I usually get to see only once a year. I absolutely love spending time with Alec, who lives in St. Louis, and I'm able to see him every week, sometimes more when we hang out or go to concerts; the same goes for all the other students in the St. Louis ensemble who I get to see frequently. But I rarely get to see my friends from other parts of the country! I enjoyed meeting Katie, who reminds me so much of myself that it's scary (in a good way!), and who is set on her way to become a great leader and a fantastic guitarist. It was good to discuss college plans with Ryan, as he looks forward to one more year of highschool. Rachel was just as much a sweet girl as always; she is one of the most beautiful people I know, both inside and out. She'll go on to do great things, if she sets her mind to it! Tyler actually talked with me for the first time. Out of hundreds of young guitarists I've seen, he's one of the first that I would bet could go win the GFA in a few years if he keeps up the practicing and hard work. And Eliot... I wish he didn't live in Texas. I loved waking up in the morning and joining him on the bench by the pond, watching the early mist rising up into the sky and talking until it was time for breakfast. I wish we had more opportunities for that.

This isn't even touching on all the other amazing things that happened, like...

...listening to Eliot play the most gorgeous, haunting music at night on the dock, as I and several others lay on our backs and watched shooting stars...

...black-berry picking with the little girls (a seven year old and two nine year olds) in the woods surrounding the camp...

...swimming in the blazing summer sun with the crazy little boys doing back-flips off the diving board...

...waking up all the girls in my cabin every morning by patting their heads and whispering, "time to get up", with an emotion that must be a faint hint of what it would be like to be a mother...

...spending time with Brendan, the youngest member of camp at ten years old, helping him improve and stretch his guitar playing abilities...

...accidentally scaring a snake into the water when Chris, another teacher, was standing waist deep in the pond searching for a camper's lost glasses...

...many games of keep-away frisbee with kids in the huge fields...

...sitting around the bonfire at night with s'mores, Queen songs blaring from an iPod radio, and happy kids leaning sleepily on my shoulders...

There are so many. So many good things, so many blessings from God, so many children.

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What Do We Really Want?

There was such a good article in today's church bulletin that I had to post an excerpt from it here. It's from "Heaven: The Heart's Deepest Longing", by Peter Kreeft (1980). I've been thinking about it all day, and I hope it will provoke as much thought in those who are tolerant enough to read my blog : )

"There is a very old wisdom, quite out of fashion today, that says we are not supposed to be happy here. In fact, no one is really happy here, and the "pursuit of happiness", which the American Declaration of Independence declares one of our "inalienable rights", is in fact the silliest and surest way to unhappiness. This is a wisdom...not just from the past but also from within, from the soft spot in us that we cover up with our hard surface, from the vulnerable little child in us that we mask with our invulnerable adult. Our adult pretends to want pleasure, power, wealth, health, or success, then gets it, then pretends to be happy. But our child knows what we want- nothing less than infinite joy- and, as children, we know we don't have it.

No one is really happy. The phenomenon is universal, not peculiar to some temperaments, for it is not a matter of temperament or feelings, which always undulate like waves. (We are all somewhat manic-depressive.) Beneath this surface, beneath the waves of satisfaction alternating with dissatisfaction of surface desires, the deep hunger of the heart remains unsatisfied. ...It is precisely when life treats us best that the deepest dissatisfaction arises. As long as we lack worldly happiness, we can deceive ourselves with the "if only" syndrome: if only I had this or that, I would be happy. But once we have all our thises and thats and are still unhappy, the deception is exposed. That's why rich and powerful modernity is not happier than previous cultures. That's the answer to Freud's question: "Why aren't we happy?"

Our greatest bitterness comes not only in the sham sweetness of riches and power but also in the middle of our truest earthly sweetness: hearing a symphony, seeing a sunset, complete sexual love. It is highest life that sets us longing for something more than this life..."

Also, there was an awesome quote in church today, by Confucius. "There are three ways to wisdom. The first is by reflection, and that is the hardest. The second is by imitation, and that is the easiest. The third is by experience, and that is the bitterest." Then my pastor added, "but I would also add that wisdom gained by experience is by far the most precious".

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You Anoint My Head With Oil, My Cup Overflows

Blessings Of the Week

Moving into a beautiful apartment- Thank you, Lord, for the dishwasher, the ant-free kitchen, the clean carpet, the tiny balcony where I can continue to grow my tomatoes and herbs, the friends who helped us move, the absence of thunderstorms and rain for exactly three and a half days it took us to move, the long staircase that will give me a work-out every day, the swimming pool in the complex, the cheap laundromat one building away, and the nest of baby birds outside the window.

Fellow musicians- Thank you, Lord, for the joy of playing music with friends, outdoors in your creation. For the relaxing hours lying in the grass with guitars, singing, deep discussions about You and why You can be an anchor in a free-floating culture, and the fellowship of believers, thank you.

Musical opportunity- Thank you, Lord, for providing me with a great duet partner, who pushes me to do my best, never accepting mediocre. Thank you also, Lord, for the sudden surprise of Mozart-Man getting into the St. Louis Symphony Chorus. What an honor, at twenty-one, to sing with such a great group of musicians!

Close calls- Thank you, Lord, for all the times you protected me this week from potentially dangerous or stupid situations. The time when I was out riding my bike back from the bike shop and a huge storm came up with the tornado sirens going off. The time when the door almost hit me in the face, and if it had, I would have been knocked out cold, alone in the apartment. The time when I almost slipped and fell in the old house while standing on a chair removing nails. The time when I almost crashed my car because I was so tired and not paying attention to the young family in the car driving in my blind spot. The time yesterday when I forgetfully left a candle burning in the kitchen, then went and ran errands, and You didn't let the apartment catch on fire.

Communication- Thank you, Lord, for the myriad of ways to communicate in this day and age. Writing letters to my sister, sending cards for holidays, emailing old friends, calling my mom on the phone...there are so many avenues. Thank you especially for yesterday, when I was able to talk to someone who I hadn't been able to talk to for a whole year, whose very presence used to annoy me, and thank you for the change of heart that showed me how stupid I was and Your grace that led me to speak with that person and actually enjoy it.

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Guitar Camp

I just got back from guitar camp week, and I can't even describe how amazing it was. Every year I fall in love with the guitar all over again, and it gets better and better each time. The talent some of the kids have is mind-boggling!

The kids at camp have so much potential, not just in music, but in life: fourteen year old Alec, too short for his age, finally showing some guts on the very last night by standing up to the other boys when they picked on him... little Rachel, deciding to be strong "like all the other girls" instead of going to her father for everything... teen-aged Ryan, being himself, completely wacky and goofy and as
talented as he pleased instead of holding back in case someone thought he was weird... Tommy, nailing his ensemble music on the final concert and counting his rhythms perfectly after some tears and hours of work... awkward Mark, working his butt off to compete, and holding his head high with a second place award... and Eliot, probably the most incredible young man I've ever known, throwing his shyness away during the final round of the competition and holding the audience in the palm of his hand with the Tristango by Pujol...

Hmm. I'd better stop there before I get too poetic. Other cool things that happened at camp was me teaching at least five of the boys how to waltz, swimming on the last day, having delicious vegetarian alternatives provided by the camp cooks (!!!!), getting hugs from everyone all the time (I never get enough hugs), my ensemble of ten
little boys sounding horrible on their last rehearsal but pulling together and sounding GREAT at the concert, juggling every day until my arms were too sore to lift above my head, staying up late with the adults, canoeing (did I spell that right?) twice, drinking quite too much rootbeer, and best of all, not being afraid to ask questions and learn how to teach better by observing the other teachers, and
being able to teach master classes and an ensemble by myself and learn from my mistakes for next time.

"Without change, we would just be stale bread."

"My cats act far too dignified, considering the lazy life they lead."

"We speak to our students in the language of the moon."

"If it's true that I can't count my music correctly, then just tell me!"

"Blackberries?! Where???"

"I guess you can still play 'Gypsy Teens' with the ensemble...but only for one more month, because then you'll be twenty."

Eliza: "Eliot, are you asleep? Okay, guys, he's asleep...isn't Eliot the CUTEST kid ever?"
Eliot: "Um...I'm not asleep."

"I do NOT look like Harry Potter!"

"I'm not so much nervous of playing in the competition, but I'm nervous to go home. I look forward to camp so much every year that when it finally happens, I don't realize what's going on until it's over."

These are some of the notable quotes from camp. I'm sure there are more, but I don't remember them all now.

It's back to reality for me. I'm working every day at the music department, teaching in the evenings, practicing my guitar, talking to Mozart-Man on the phone every night, cooking new recipes, and juggling a lot. Only one month of summer left! Where has the time gone?

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Coming Into June

Life is definitely not nearly as crazy as it was last summer, or even as crazy as it was this past school year. Teaching two dozen students, working at the music department almost every day, and finishing up settling in the house are keeping me occupied, but there has been some time to practice (not as much as I'd like), cook, have coffee with friends, begin catching up on emails/phone calls to friends far away, and so forth. I REALLY miss Mozart-Man, though; his absence is beginning to wear on me sadly. Talking to him every night helps, along with letters weekly... I'm very glad that he's planning on a visit over the 4th of July.

My great friend Simon from Idaho is coming to see me in two weeks, also, so that is exciting. I've known him since he was five years old; now he's seventeen and one of the most awesome people in my world. I'm going to drag him around to sight-see all the cool attractions like the Arch, the city museum, Forest Park and its free museums, Lone Elk Park, the old Union Station, and Central West End. Hopefully we'll get some time to just chill so I can listen to him play guitar for a while.

I was selected to be a peer counselor for a fine arts camp, so I'll be doing that soon, and I'm going to be teaching at a guitar camp in a month too. I played a bunch of gigs recently. Plus, I started singing in the church choir, which is very enjoyable; somehow I feel like I can worship God better when I use the love for music that He gave me for His glory. It's kind of a strange feeling...it's not like I can't worship Him without using music, but it just flows so much more naturally that way. Am I sounding strange?

Anyways, time to go do dishes before bedtime. If you are reading this and I haven't returned/answered your email/letter/phone call, I promise I will get to it soon. I love you all!

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Joe the Dreamer

This is a picture of Mozart-Man walking in our favorite park back in Ohio, about this time last year. I love this picture.

Everyone's heard of the story of Joseph and the coat of many colors. I've been re-reading the book of Genesis lately, and came across Joseph meeting his brothers in Egypt after many years. His brothers had sold him into slavery, left him for dead, and hated him, but after all that, Joseph is able to accept them and care for them. How is this possible? Here is Joseph's answer:

"...Now do not be distressed or angry with yourselves because you sold me here, for God sent me here before you to preserve life. For the famine has been in the land these two years...and God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant on earth, and to keep alive for you many survivors. So it was not you who sent me here, but God."

Even though nasty things happen to people, God will use them for His own purposes and bring good out of evil. This is something I need to keep reminding myself. Everything in life will work out for the glory of Him who reigns in spite of man's attempts to thwart God's purposes.

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